Wynneing Ways: Empathy is an extremely powerful interpersonal tool that is not highly valued in our society. It is a skill that is frequently under-utilised.
There is a perception that empathetic people are pathetic, overly polite and so nice that they lack personality. This belief creates a misconception that needs to be challenged. The ability to see the world from another's frame of reference is a valuable skill. To tune into what someone else is thinking and feeling about a situation gives you an essential tool for improving all your relationships.
Empathy is not sympathy though they are often confused. Sympathy is focused on me and my reactions to what is happening for another. "I'm so sorry for your trouble." Sympathetic statements reflect the speaker's perspective. Empathetic statements have the power to change relationships. A common misconception is that if you try to be empathetic you will become a 'yes person' with no mind of your own.
Not so, the opposite is true. When you are seen to understand the viewpoint of the other party, you connect. You can acknowledge the position of another without agreeing or passing judgment on its validity. "Sounds like you are saying" is a good way to show you listened. Use exactly the same words as the speaker. This form of reflective listening is a basic communication skill. It is lacking whenever there is a difficulty in a relationship, whether it be a family, social or personal one. Relationship difficulties can always be traced back to failure in communication.
The majority of us believe we are better communicators than we really are. It is not enough to have the skills to make a good attempt to put into words what we perceive another is thinking. If we fail to connect the thoughts with how the person is feeling, we come across as insensitive and uncaring at the very best. At worst, assertive people who lack empathy are regarded as demanding and overbearing.
A person who lacks empathy can behave in ways that generate ill will without fully understanding their role. In any situation where staff rebel and refuse to co-operate, there are misunderstandings that can only be resolved through talking things through. The manager who has the ability to make an emphatic statement in the middle of a tense and antagonistic encounter has skills he can use to negotiate. By reflecting an understanding of the other's position, a contentious and angry interchange can be turned around.
A simple reflective statement like "You feel very angry about what happened here" shows an understanding of how the other feels. It validates how the person feels and shows that you are in tune with them. As a result, the person is more likely to work with you than against you.
If the person feels misunderstood and their efforts go unrecognised or they feel taken for granted, it leads to mistrust and anger. A person who feels validated is more likely to trust you and collaborate than one who has to work to make his viewpoint understood.
There is an understandable fear that by making an empathetic statement you'll be seen to be approving even when you oppose what is proposed. Nothing could be further from the truth. You lose nothing when you acknowledge that the other has a different way of looking at things.
Stephen Covey writes in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, "Empathetic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you are dealing with the reality inside the other person's head." Begin with the awareness of what you are thinking and how you are feeling. Using the exact words reflect back what you heard. Check out the feeling. "Sounds like you think this and are feeling whatever." You have the ability to develop the skill of empathy. Self-awareness is the key to developing every skill that unlocks your potential for successful living.
• Carmel Wynne is a life and business success coach; author of Coaching - The Key to Unlocking Your Potential, a master practitioner in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), and a psychotherapist. See www.carmelwynne.org