Fathers have a distinct role in their children's development. Psychoanalyst Benig Mauger tells Anne Dempsey about the unique bond.
You may know the story of the boy sent out to fend for himself overnight as part of his tribal initiation into manhood. All night in the dark forest, he tries to be brave while every snapping branch adds to his fear. The next morning he wakes to find his father beside him and describes his ordeal with some pride but some anger too that he was abandoned to such potential danger. "Do you see that tree there?" his father replies. "I spent the night behind it watching over your every move."
This is the territory explored in Benig Mauger's book Reclaiming Father, which examines the interweaving links between a man's relationship with his father, his partner, his children and himself. The terrain isn't new, but her take is different. As a Jungian psychoanalyst and birth teacher, she suggests babies need fathers not just from age six or seven as was accepted but from the moment of birth - and vice versa.
So while a newborn will instinctively seek out his mother's breast, he will also search for his father too, acting, she says, out of an equally instinctive expectation of his need to be fully parented.
During labour and birth, the father's positive energy may be transmitted to the child via the mother, particularly if the couple's relationship is good. Mauger offers a workbook for fathers during pregnancy, labour and birth.
Sitting at home in Dublin, she distils these pointers into two:
"The main thing is to be there emotionally in understanding everything she is going through and to be her strength in the practical things like shopping, making sure there is petrol in the car. It is a tall order, particularly these days when both partners are working, and it means he would have to be able to process at least some of his own feelings about becoming a father.
"The second thing would be to be there for his child in the womb. If he can be as emotionally present as possible, this will permeate to the child. My image is of the man standing behind the woman and encircling her with his arms. The baby in the womb will absorb the positive endorphins also and hear his father's voice."
Psychologist Jack Dominian once described marriage as the place where a couple could heal childhood hurts through adult loving. Fatherhood can offer this second chance saloon too, says Mauger, suggesting that when a man opens his heart in love to his child, he will benefit almost as much himself.
Her book encourages such involvement by explaining to men how important they are. In what she calls "the father's birth gift", she details the very many ways in which a father facilitates his son's development. This includes helping him separate from the mother and begin to establish identity. Dads provide structure and order, guide sons to negotiate the social skills necessary to live in the world, make the transition from boy to man, and build young male confidence in emerging abilities.
The formidable list sounds like another tall order. "What you need to know is that he's doing it anyway, he doesn't have to try. Take separation from mother, this will happen naturally so long as the father is sufficiently there because the child will also look to the father for what he needs, there is a duality," says Mauger.
Providing mum permits the male togetherness. "Some men who come to my talks feel they are redundant, and I think women need to take responsibility for their actions. Women depriving the man of the children, particularly in separated situations, are often acting out of their own inner wound."
Traditionally men and boys did things together. Male relationships still develop through shared tasks, leading to subtle communication systems.
The Irish school reader where Sean helped daddy wash the car wasn't far wrong.
"In some societies fathers and sons work closely together doing physical things, farming, building, repairing machinery and so on. There is a father/son connection in this physical way. It is a kind of knowing that has to do with the bone deep experience that comes from simply breathing, being there next to one another," says Mauger.
While this book may encourage mums to bring dads, including separated dads, into the picture if possible, how about single mothers who don't have that option?
"A mother who brings up a child alone needs to hold the awareness of the gap left by an absent father.
"A fatherless child may find the father energy he needs in another close male relatives and later on in teachers and friends. Ensuring this is made possible is very important," she says.
Reclaiming Father by Benig Mauger, Soul Connections, €14.99. www.soul-connections.com