HEARTBEAT: Dear Santa, I don't want much this year. I have one small request, and I shall put that at the end of the letter. You more than anybody are aware that times change. As you are such a busy man, however, it is possible that you might overlook some significant happenings in this little island, which might make your visits less comfortable in the future.
I feel I should warn you about some of these changes, as they may impinge upon your happy mission.
Firstly, a major campaign is yet again under way to make our roads safer. It is fair to assume this also applies to our air space and rooftops. There is the matter of speed limits; 60 m.p.h. in the country areas but 30 to 40 m.p.h. in the towns and cities.
As you travel largely at night, it may be difficult for you to ascertain with any degree of certainty, exactly where these limits apply. Indeed, it is difficult for the ordinary punter to know this travelling by day. It is, however, very serious as penalty points may be deducted if some computer or other is working. Please do not give them a proper computer.
It goes without saying of course, that you have an Irish driving licence. If not you may have to wait a year for a driving test and then only have a 50 per cent chance of passing. I must also warn you about seat belts. They are mandatory now for yourself and any helpers. Your tax and insurance discs must also be prominently displayed. You may wonder why the tax and insurance are more expensive than in any other country in the world. If you find out, let us know, as we are pondering that fact ourselves.
There is even worse to come. You will have to forego the little glass of something, traditionally left for you beside the chimney piece. There is zero toleration for drink driving here now. Come to think of it, there is zero toleration for lots of other things as well, but somehow they keep happening.
Red noses on your reindeer would make you a sure thing to be stopped and breathalysed. Also on the hospitality line, I must point out to you, that any cake left for you, should have its ingredients listed, so that you could eschew those high in fat content. This is not yet a crime, but could well be so by your next visit.
That is if you ever come back to this fun island. Furthermore, smoking your pipe is out. You may claim that you have been inhaling passive smoke from countless chimneys over the centuries and that it hasn't done you much harm. However, we know better and in this we lead the world.
Sadly in some things we don't lead the world, as you will find out, if God forbid, you should have an accident and wind up on a trolley in one of our hospitals. Be tolerant here Santa in this season of goodwill, and don't comment on your surroundings, however dilapidated and sub-standard.
Make sure, however, that any doctor or nurse who comes near you has washed their hands. I am sure that half of that ignorant shower, have never heard of Lister or Semmelweiss. Come to think of it Santa and I hope you don't mind me saying it. all round you are a pretty lousy role model. There are always New Year resolutions.
Parking and bus lanes also pose problems The clampers are happily working night and day, uttering merry cries as they fill their sacks. Likewise the happy souls in the National Sleigh Test centres. Incidentally, would you please make sure that your licensing authority, has its name in Irish on your number plate. The importance of this is obvious.
Don't think you will get away with any of this, because you are airborne. We now have a dedicated traffic corps. They will be EVERYWHERE. Well soon anyway, I am not sure if they solidified yet from the hot air that generated them.
Some of this doesn't sound very welcoming, but I must raise one further point. We now have an all-seeing body called the Equality Authority, and it is possible they might take a poor view of you. Superficially you are the epitome of political incorrectness, particularly as regards gender.
I am presuming that you are not a member of the Travelling community? You had better have your answers prepared, and they had better be convincing. No nonsense about it being indecorous for ladies in skirts to come down chimneys. It is a sad fact that the ladies in this country have been wearing the trousers for years.
I am a great admirer of yours Santa, and I envy you your ability to be all over the place at the same time, and to give everybody what they want. Such talents would be most welcome in the Government. They're not bad themselves, but they usually only give out the goodies at election times.
As for my small request. I wonder if you could see your way to giving me a toll bridge. I thought of a crock of gold, but that would make me sound like a developer, while a toll bridge would be an ever replenishing Cornucopia. Thank God I am not greedy, and thanking you Santa in expectation.
Yours Sincerely, Maurice.
Dr Maurice Neligan is a cardiac surgeon