THE BIGGER PICTURE: There is so much to look forward to this season. Many of us will enjoy a break from the labour force and several opportunities to indulge, be merry and receive presents. Even so, for many people, what we are about to embark on is also one of the most stressful seasons of the year.
There can be an enormous workload to get through in order to put on the Christmas that everyone expects. Along with this comes a material cost which itself can be breathtaking. While some burden the labour and finances, others will worry that they were not thought of at all or well enough.
Others still will be facing an overwhelming loneliness this season. But for those who are getting together with their families, it is a high expectation and anticipation of impending conflicts that sometimes cause the most stress.
It seems astonishing that the people we have spent the most time with in our lives can be the ones we find hardest to be with as we get older. Yet, whether we'd like to admit it or not, these are the people with whom we share fundamental aspects of our experience and perspectives. As part of a family, we have discovered the world from a similar standpoint and been influenced by many of the same major incidents. In bizarre but important ways, we inevitably have more in common with the members of our families than with the newer people in our lives with whom it can feel easier to be with.
Although we share fundamental experiences with the members of our family, ultimately every person in a family is unique. Each individual brings with them their own thinking and way of seeing the world. This is nurtured by the distinct way we each got to know our family, including who was and wasn't there when we first arrived, the era we arrived in, the existing dynamic and the prevailing circumstances.
As families, we share major life events - some of which are deeply moving while others are intensely painful or even damaging. Still, the uniqueness of individual perspective causes each of us to notice different things, respond in different ways and come to different conclusions.
Because these events evoke such strong feelings, it is the gap arising from our differences that can make it appear impossible to listen well to each other, empathise with another perspective or feel like anyone will have the space to recognise and validate our specific point of view.
What's more, every family has a dysfunction that exacerbates these differences. The pattern would have originated in places where the parents struggled and lacked support, and moved out to involve every individual in the family. Within a dysfunction, each person seems to only be able to express a portion of the whole response to any situation. For example, there is only enough space for one person to be frightened, leaving another to be angry, a third to focus on the positives and a fourth to be "practical" and try moving on (or at least away). Although we might all try to go through a number, if not all, of these stages, there doesn't seem to be enough room in a dysfunction for everyone to go through the process. Thus, we take on either the role we can manage the best or simply the one that's left.
Each diverse response is natural and brings with it constructive elements. For example, those who are frightened might get the chance to notice fully the impact of the situation on them. Those who are angry will look for things to change. Those who stay positive will maintain some useful perspective and hang onto what's good regardless.
However, because we cannot fully express ourselves and come through the process we need to, we not only get stuck ourselves but can develop a history of hurt and resentment towards others in our family, simply because they accessed parts of the process that we couldn't. We can feel like the only ones who have not been heard, are misunderstood, or were mistreated, while the others seem to belong and have accessed the support that we've missed.
Everyone in a family is stuck somewhere in the middle of healing and growth from the dysfunction, and everyone's stuck to each other in it. It's worth noticing, however, that we're all dying to be free of it somehow (even if we express it through confrontation or denial). We keep hoping that someone in the family will give us a hand and acknowledge our experience. We deeply wish that the whole family would miraculously emerge from it and help each other through.
It is wonderful how the social and emotional ties of families keep us coming back to each other, conflict after conflict. From this, we develop a history of simply hanging in there after all we've been through, even when it's felt terrible. While it might sound strange, I think that's worth celebrating. People wanting so much to have each other that they'll try again. Perseverance. There is both strength and hope in that.
Shalini Sinha is an independent producer, journalist and a counsellor on equality issues. She has lectured on women's issues in UCD and is a co-presenter of Mono, RTÉ's intercultural programme.