THAT'S MEN:Meeting the kids is fraught with difficulties, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
WHEN AND how do I introduce my new girlfriend/boyfriend to my kids? This awkward and important issue faces parents whose original relationship has ended and who have met someone new.
It’s awkward because nobody can foretell the reaction of the children to this new arrival in their lives, but everybody knows things are going to be awkward for a time. It’s important because if this is done the wrong way, the effect on kids can be damaging.
The very first thing, I think, is not to rush into it. Do not introduce your new love to the children until you are sure it’s going to last. To ask children to adjust to a series of failed relationships is not only unfair but damaging.
So wait until that first flush of infatuation wears off and spend some time finding out if you and your prospective new partner can actually make a go of it before you do the introductions.
That means, among other things, not bringing your new partner home for the night. In fact, even after introducing her or him to the children I think you should allow time to pass before you both spend the night together in their home.
I am assuming here that we are talking about children and teenagers. This doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easier with adult children – they too can get stroppy about the new partner, especially if they’ve taken sides in the break-up and, even more especially, if they think your partner, their other parent, was hard done by. But at least they are adult. Your contribution to the formation of their personalities has been made, for better or for worse.
With younger children it’s different. The way you handle the introduction of your new partner can have important long-term effects on their happiness. The children may very well have an agenda to bring both parents together again. They may not have said it, but that may be what they want. That’s one reason why the introduction of a possible new partner should be done gingerly and slowly.
Remember that your new love is, to them, a stranger invading their space. Do you recall what it was like to be a teenager? How would you have felt about another adult arriving into your space back then? Look at it this way: it’s an awful long time since I was a teenager, but I would most certainly not welcome another adult in my personal living space. What, then, must it be like for someone going through adolescence, trying to establish their separate identity?
So take the introduction slowly and by degrees. Maybe you live apart from the kids? I think your girlfriend should make herself scarce when they come to stay until you are sure she is going to be a permanent fixture.
It seems to me that the first meetings between this new person and the kids should be at a playground, a fast-food joint or whatever seems appropriate to their age. Then the person visits. Then the person stays, but only if you are sure the relationship is permanent.
And if the other person isn’t prepared to go along with this, if they take a now or never approach? Dump them. This is not the sort of person who your kids should have to put up with in your home or in their home. Moreover, this is not the sort of person you should have to put up with.
By the way, you might find that younger kids are more accepting of the new situation than the older ones. So what do you do about the older ones? Shut up and listen. Eventually, hopefully, they will come to accept your new partner. I haven’t been through this myself, by the way, so I’d love to hear from people who have.
There is an agony aunt who is very good on this topic. Her name is Dr Marie Hartwell-Walker and she writes on the PsychCentral website, psychcentral.com. But please, also, let me know about your experiences in this situation.
Padraig O'Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Livingis published by Veritas. His monthly mindfulness newsletter is available free by e-mail