THAT'S MEN:We are hardwired to seek to connect with others, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
IN A pub in Limerick on a balmy September evening I watched a man in a cap happily turning a pint of Guinness around and around in his hands. “First of the day,” he declared.
His companions expressed doubts about this claim. He ignored them, observed the pint until it was just right and slowly raised it to his lips and sipped.
Then he put down the pint and sang The Galway Shawl.
To me this scene represents a recipe for mental health – but not because alcohol was involved. The scene was about connection: everybody in the group was connected through this small event.
I think of the human need for connection as similar to a mobile phone or computer scanning for a wifi signal. It’s always on, always searching, always seeking to get connected. By tuning in to what was going on with that group in the pub, I was scanning for a connection as well.
We now know that when we get to express ourselves to other people, as that man did, the reward centres of the brain activate.
So when two or three people are standing in a group telling stories and setting the world to rights, they are getting rewarded. An observer might say there’s nothing going on there but if you put a value on feeling better, then there’s plenty going on there.
It’s not all just about feeling good. Neuroscientists believe the reward centres, when activated, may prompt the release of substances such as oxytocin, which lower stress levels. That, in turn, is good for both our physical and mental health.
These principles also apply to expressing yourself on Facebook, Twitter and other social media. I mention this because it is fashionable to sneer at social media. But social media also involves a conversation in which we get to express ourselves and, in my opinion, it has been a godsend for people who would otherwise be isolated.
Expressing yourself on these media platforms also activates your reward centres and if you are isolated I would suggest you get involved.
This need for connection starts at birth and the quality of the connection we have in our earliest years has a profound influence on the rest of our lives. One person will feel comfortable with other people, another will never be quite sure where he or she stands, and while some avoid people even they, I think, long for connection.
People who are connected with others seem less likely to fall prey to dementia than those who lead isolated lives.
Connection, in this case, doesn’t necessarily mean living with people – it means feeling you are involved with people, having a functioning network and so on. Indeed, you might prefer to live on your own but talk to people on the phone or online, and perhaps meet people a few times a week – it’s all connection.
We know social isolation boosts the risk of depression. When you are alone you are more likely to ruminate, or brood, on your problems and rumination seems closely involved in depression.
Isolation can bring addiction too: with nobody to tell you to put the brakes on, it’s all too easy to develop, for instance, a later-life addiction to drink.
Moreover, when we sense a relationship is under threat, the part of the brain that alerts us to danger reacts as though to a physical threat.
Whether you like it or not, the need to connect is built in.
Our culture makes it easy to be disconnected but it isn’t good for you. If you were to ask me for my top three mental health tips they would be: connection, connection, connection.
That man in the pub in Limerick didn’t look like a Facebook user, though I may be wrong. What I am sure about, however, is that he understood the importance of connection.
Go to bit.ly/brainconnectfor more information on the brain and connection
Padraig O’Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living, is published by Veritas. His monthly mindfulness newsletter is available free by email