War of the wardrobes

FOR Maureen and her 13 year old daughter Ciara, the issue came to a head earlier this summer when Ciara wanted to go to a parish disco wearing high heels, make up, and "a wee crop thing".

The tiny but oh so fashionable crop top was the last straw for Maureen, who came the heavy parent and said, "No, you just can't wear it." But she's pretty certain Ciara wore it anyway: "she slipped it into her bag and probably changed up in her friend's house.

Eileen had to think quickly when her 14 year old daughter a tall girl who can look 19 when she's all dressed up, came home recently with a black stretch lycra halter top mini dress. "I tried it on myself and came waltzing into the room; it looked obscene on me, and it put her off - she brought it back and exchanged it."

If she hadn't, Eileen admits she would have had to face up to the issue and say "no". "She looked stunning in it, but dangerous."

Even the trendiest of parents (unless they're Ivana Trump) have old fashioned ideas about acceptable fashions for their adolescent daughters. And quite a few children of the 1960s and 1970s were horrified this summer to see their young teenagers wearing the fashions of their own youth.

Did you panic at the sight of your 11, 12, or 13 year old daughter decked out in a micro mini, crop top, and great clumpy high heeled shoes? Did you lay down the law, or dither as she slithered out the door to a disco in a pair of hipsters (uh!) and a halter top?

Join the club. The sight of a daughter looking like Jodie Foster in Taxi Driver stirs up all sorts of complex emotions in parents. The dominating one is fear for her safety, but there are others that may creep up and catch mothers unawares, ranging from twinges of jealousy for your daughter's flubile cellulite free body to sadness that she is so visibly growing up. (And you may find yourself hating your daughter's clothes the way you hated those hipsters and clunky shoes back in the 1970s. As for lime green and orange, the colours of the moment, you will either love them or loathe them.)

Even fears for a child's safety are complicated by our modern feminist consciousness, our belief that women cannot be held responsible for sexual attack because of the clothes they wear. Modesty isn't a virtue kids see illustrated much on MTV: how do you explain that dressing a certain way can send out all the wrong signals, without appearing to have a dirty mind?

Bernie, a mother of two Dublin girls aged 13 and 15, is concerned, but lets her 15 year old daughter, go to discos wearing a fashionable, mini and little top: "Why should I worry her about what she wears in case it upsets some boy?"

The truth is that this is a bewildering time for many parents, especially when their eldest daughter reaches puberty. One 15 year old may have the skinny, undeveloped body of a child, and look unremarkable in a mini skirt; her 12 year old neighbour may have the body of a woman, and with a touch of make up and strappy high heeled shoes may, receive unwanted attention.

Some pubescent girls are so shy and self conscious about their bodies they won't wear a swimsuit at the beach. But the majority, whatever their figures, simply want to conform to what everybody is wearing - and this summer, what everyone is wearing isn't very much.

Melissa, a mother of five daughters aged six to 15, speaks for many parents when she advises against getting locked into a battle over clothes, if only because you can't possibly win a determined daughter will slip on a forbidden garment after leaving the house. Melissa and her husband have had a few disagreements with their eldest on the topic. "She came down to go to a disco last year with a really short skirt and make up and he said: `You're not really going out like that, are you?' She was hurt, but she changed.

"But you have to decide what you'd cause major hassle over; I don't mind if they wear some of this stuff around the house, or with friends, but not at the disco."

Melissa is not so sure how she would handle a daughter who was determined to brazen it out. "I know one 13 year old girl who went to the local young teenage disco all dolled up, and an older boy went to put his hand up her skirt. She didn't stop him, because she didn't know how to handle the situation."

This cuts to the heart of the real danger that teenage girls face if they dress inappropriately. Olive Braiden of the Rape Crisis Centre says parents are right to be concerned about the way their daughters dress - but not because of fear of rape. "Parents do equate some ways of dressing with sexual assault. My experience here has convinced me that it is not. But it may attract unwanted sexual attention, and a teenage girl may not be able to handle the way men will react to her.

"In an ideal world, none of this would happen, but it does. Children have to know this, and also how to handle unwanted attention, to ignore remarks, not to engage in banter because they may not be able to handle it, and might get in over their heads, get upset, and hurt."

Fifteen year old Victoria Lefroy five foot six inches tall, size eight, and a part time model knows exactly what "unwanted attention" means, and believes she and her friends know how to handle it. At the occasional rugby club disco she has been approached by 17 and 18 year old boys who've had too much to drink as well as 30 to 40 year old men who should know better. "I find it really sleazy. The things they'll say to you. It's better to just ignore them, to give them the cold shoulder. It's not right."

Ellen, aged 16, (who shocked her parents four years ago by wanting to step out in a pair of hot pants teamed with black tights) agrees that the question of whether clothes are provocative is "a very touchy subject; daughters will say black, parents white. A short skirt and a little top are perfectly OK at a Saturday night disco, but a bit shocking, I think, worn by an 11 or 12 year old who wants to look like a teenager at three in the afternoon." Ellen's mother, who is 35, says even at 16 `skimpy is just not on.'

Deborah Lefroy, Victoria's mother, is proud of her daughter, and shares her interest in clothes. "I grew up at the end of the hippy era, and remember wearing hot pants and minis." Anne White mother of 17 year old Lucianne, remembers wearing minis too, and she has always been sympathetic to Lucianne's interest in clothes. It's interesting that girls do tend to get slightly more conservative in their late teens. Says Lucianne "At 13, I wore tight tops and short skirts and thought I was the bees knees. Now I'd wear parallels, well cut short skirts. I wouldn't wear a catsuit, and if me and my friends saw someone wearing, say, a bra top and micro mini we'd say she must love herself'."

And while parents try ever so hard to tread sensitively around the topic, daughters (as always) cut to the chase: one 14 year old came home from a shopping expedition with her big sister and modelled her provocative new flesh baring outfit for her shocked and nearly speechless mother, who wanted desperately to say the right thing. "Very nice dear, lovely, beautiful ... but, mmm, do you think perhaps you're sending the wrong message?"

The 14 year old tried to stay cool, but was soon overheard wailing to her older sister: "Mother thinks I look like a slut!"