ASK THE EXPERT:My daughter is anxious about her grandfather embarking on a second marriage
I AM a mum of two girls (a three and half year old and a five month old). My parents have been separated and divorced for many years.
Although I didn’t have much of a relationship with my father, who now lives in the UK with his partner, we have both made a considerable effort to meet half way and we have been getting on in recent times.
When my first daughter arrived, she became the apple of my father’s eye and I travelled every few weeks to my father’s home and I have ensured my daughter understands the importance of this distant relationship.
My problem lies in the fact that my father and his partner are getting married in a few weeks’ time. My daughter has begun to ask a lot more questions about my mum, my father, marriage and love.
She has been very upset when leaving my mum’s house in recent weeks as she keeps saying my mum is on her own and naturally can’t understand why my parents don’t love each other.
She has even suggested recently, out of the blue, that we call to my mum’s house so she isn’t lonely. While it is very endearing to empathise with my mum’s situation, my mum is a very busy, social person who works full-time.
Our recent trip to the UK a couple of weeks ago was very upsetting for both my daughter and I as she got very upset a couple of times during the stay. I am worried that she is getting more anxious as the wedding approaches. She is now having bad dreams and has become very clingy during the day.
I feel that she may be taking on board a lot of emotional feelings that perhaps are upsetting for me too and that she may also be picking up on some of the issues. I am a bit lost about what to do.
Children are very astute and usually very attuned to their parents. You may be absolutely correct in thinking that your daughter could be taking on board a lot of your feelings and be aware that there are various potential issues associated with your dad’s imminent marriage.
If this is the case, then your first step is to try to process those feelings for yourself. For example, you already seem clear that your mum is in a good emotional space and has an independent career and social life. You don’t seem worried about her and how your dad’s marriage might impact on her.
So if you are not worried about her then how do you feel about your dad getting married? Even though you may not perceive it as a slight to your mum, it may be that you are still struggling to make sense of it yourself. Does it change your relationship with him; are you anxious that it might?
Does his new relationship, that he is about to publicly commit to, diminish his relationship with his previous family?
You might like to talk about these kinds of issues with your husband or partner. It may help you to clarify your own thoughts and feelings about your mum, your father, marriage and love.
It may be that the whole issue of commitment is just very live for you right now and consequently (or independently) it is live for your daughter too.
Once you are clearer about this kind of stuff, for yourself, you will find that you can empathise with greater ease, with your daughter and the sense she is trying to make of these issues.
Empathy, in this context, is about you recognising what her feelings are (mostly anxiety it seems) and then helping her to recognise these feelings for herself. You do this by guessing at how she feels and then labelling those feelings for her.
One such worry she might have is that if people can fall out of love (as your mum and dad did) then maybe you and her dad could conceivably fall out of love too. This kind of worry could certainly rock her sense of security and stability.
Also, if relationships can drift, then maybe you could fall out of love with her. Might that mean that you could leave her at some stage in the future?
I could see that this kind of a worry could easily lead to nightmares and to clingy daytime behaviour.
Bear in mind, too, that she is still quite young and so there will be a limit to how much sense she can make of things at a rational and cognitive level. So by naming these potential worries you connect straight to her feelings.
By connecting in this way you will probably take the intensity out of them as she will know that you understand her and your understanding alone is reassuring and comforting.
Offering emotional support like this further strengthens your attachment with her and provides her with greater security. This, too, will reduce her overall anxiety.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com