ASK THE EXPERT/DAVID COLEMAN: Helping our children to be aware of and to verbally express their feelings is the first step in developing their emotional intelligence
My husband's new job means quite a bit of travelling for up to two weeks at a time. My two daughters, nine and seven, aren't taking this well and seem to be using it as an excuse to fight with him and themselves. It is really disrupting the atmosphere at home. I'm hoping that they grow out of it as they adjust, but is there anything I can do to nip this in the bud as soon as possible?
It sounds to me like your daughters are experiencing a loss in relation to your husband being away more than ever before. They seem to be keenly aware of being separated from him and instead of being able to tell you about it they are showing you that they are distressed by their behaviour.
This is a really common reaction for children. I believe that a lot of children's difficult behaviour is an attempt to express a feeling that they either don't have words for or don't feel able to say.
I also notice that when children bottle up their true feelings and keep squashing them away internally what usually ends up coming out is anger.
Often the anger explodes (a bit like a lid coming off a pressure cooker) and those of us looking on end up bewildered by the strength of their reaction to what may have been an innocuous enough trigger.
So the task for us parents is to translate our children's behaviour for them. Helping our children to be aware of and to verbally express their feelings is the first step in developing their emotional intelligence. We do this by responding empathically.
Empathic responses label the feeling we think the other person is having. In many ways we are simply putting ourselves in their shoes and imagining what they might be feeling. Even though it may sound easy it requires a lot of practice and our children need to be shown how to do it.
The process is very much about children making connections between the experience of the feeling and this new verbal way of expressing it. If you do this empathic responding a lot with children, they come to label and express their own feelings eventually and they learn how to recognise the feelings others have, too.
Children who have been "emotionally coached" in this way grow up to be more resilient, do better academically and socially and generally experience more positive than negative feelings.
Specifically, in relation to your girls, I think you are right to recognise that time will heal whatever hurt they feel about your husband being away. You can fast-forward that process by saying things to your girls such as: "I bet you really miss your dad when he is away"; "I sometimes think it isn't fair that dad has to go away to work and leave us all behind - no wonder you guys seem so angry"; "I wonder if you guys feel really sad at times when you can't talk to or hug your dad because he is away working"; or "when you fight with your dad I think that really you'd like to tell him how much you hate him having to be away because you love him so much".
Each of these statements touches on different aspects of what you think, or what you guess, your daughters may be feeling. You might be wrong with all of them, in which case you just keep guessing at possible reasons for their distress.
You'll notice that all of the statements are expressed with a "wondering" tone. You are never telling your children what they feel (because of course you can't definitively know).
By using statements instead of asking them questions, you also give them the choice to either accept or reject your guess without the pressure of having to say anything at all.
Don't forget too, the same process could be happening for their dad, who is also probably feeling the pain of the separation, and, like lots of men, he may not be the best at saying what he feels, either.
He might need a bit of empathy from you too. The ideal situation would be for their dad to be able to use empathy with the girls, as a way of connecting with them, understanding them and diffusing their upset.
Don't worry if they don't respond by talking about their feelings. Most children don't suddenly find the power of emotional expression. What does happen is that they feel better understood by you and their dad.
Naturally, once they feel you understand, then they don't have to keep showing you in their behaviour and you should see a reduction in their fighting.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and the author of Parenting is Child's Play. He is currently working on a new series for RTÉ Television called 21st Century Child. www.davidcoleman.ie
David Coleman welcomes queries from readers, but regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Send your questions to healthsupplement@irish-times.ie