When celebrities wed on a whim, as Britney Spears did last week, it'll end in tears before the ink has dried on the marriage cert, writes Shane Hegarty.
Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander married last Saturday at 5.30 a.m., at Las Vegas's Little White Wedding Chapel (motto: "We Love Keeping You In Love"). The bride wore a baseball cap and jeans and was accompanied down the aisle by a limo driver from the Palms Hotel, where she had earlier booked in under the pseudonym of Alotta Warmheart.
The couple celebrated with oysters, alcohol and tears. Britney is said to have broken down and blubbed, "Oh my God, what have I done?" before her mother showed up to berate the couple and sort out the mess. Britney and Jason agreed that the only dignified way out was to seek an annulment, on the grounds that once they married they realised they weren't compatible. The marriage officially ended at 12.24 p.m. on Monday. They had been husband and wife for 55 hours. The tabloids had a field day. "Splitney", read one headline. "Nearlyweds", screamed another. The owner of the chapel has been offered $1 million for the wedding video.
In a career where the short-lived marriage is hardly a novelty - simply something one does in between winning a Grammy and losing one's marbles - Britney's blink-and-you'll-miss-it union with Alexander was spectacular. But for sheer brevity, nothing can surpass the six-hour marriage of famous heart-throb Rudolph Valentino and actor Jean Acker in 1919. Apparently, Acker locked her husband out of the honeymoon suite and immediately filed for divorce on the grounds that not only was the marriage not consummated but that she was leaving him for another woman. Valentino died in 1926, remembering his ex-wife in his will by leaving her the sum of $1.
While that marriage set a high - or low - standard early in Hollywood's lifespan, there have been plenty of celebrity marriages that have ended before the wedding DJ has played the national anthem. Actor Dennis Hopper and Mamas and Papas singer Michelle Phillips enjoyed a wonderful eight days of marriage in 1970. They at least kept their sense of humour.
"Seven of those days were pretty good," Hopper joked. "The eighth day was the bad one."
In 1975, three days after divorcing Sonny Bono, Cher married musician Greg Allman. The pair hopped on her private jet, flew to Nevada and wed. She cried all the way home. Nine days later, suddenly more fed up of her husband's heroin and booze addiction than previously, she filed for divorce.
"I believe it's best to admit one's mistakes as quickly as possible," she said.
In comparison, the televised union of Rick Rockwell and Darva Conger was rock solid. The couple, who won each other in the intimate surroundings of US game show Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire, were wed for an impressive 55 days.
In 1982, Zsa Zsa Gabor's marriage to Felipe de Alba had lasted for just one day when it was realised that it didn't count anyway as she had not yet divorced her seventh husband. There were some quickies, then, that weren't quite what they seemed. Ireland's best-known Casanova of the moment, Colin Farrell, was married to actor Amelia Warner for four months of 2001, before the divorce process is rumoured to have revealed that they had never actually been legally married in the first place. Unfortunately, by then he had already tattooed "Millie", his bride's nickname, on his ring finger.
Singer R. Kelly was briefly married to singer Aaliyah in 1994, until a court found out that she'd lied about her age on the marriage certificate and was only 15.
There are some celebrities who seem addicted to the wedding but not the reality of a wedded life. Jennifer Lopez was married to choreographer Cris Judd for 10 months, three months less than her first marriage to a waiter.
"I've been married twice but I haven't had a marriage yet," Lopez has said.
Elsewhere, Beverley Hills 90210 star Shannen Doherty lasted five months with Ashley Hamilton, son of George (the actor, not the RTÉ commentator), but later managed nine months with businessman Rick Solomon. And despite managing an astounding 20 months of marriage to Michael Jackson, Lisa-Marie Presley couldn't last longer than 107 days with actor Nicolas Cage after they married in 2002. The problems, though, should have been obvious after a previous row on his yacht led to the $64,000 engagement ring being flung into the ocean.
The king of the nippy nuptials, though, is 48-year-old actor Billy Bob Thornton. Of his five marriages, four of them came and went in just two years, his most famous ex-wife being actor Angelina Jolie. Like so many before them, they split only after declaring their eternal union through a couple of tasteful tattoos.
Actor Drew Barrymore and gross-out comedian Tom Green were married for five months in 2001. "I recommend that people don't get in high-profile marriages," commented Barrymore, which would be sage advice if she hadn't previously been married to a Welsh barman for only 19 days.
Of course, showbusiness being showbusiness, there are always those who refuse to play by the rules. Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, for instance, have been happily married for 16 years, although they have a way to go before they match the stamina of Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman. They've been married since 1958. It'll never last.