Profile/The Texter: He's all fingers and thumbs, doesn't do spelling and has a vast network of text buddies, but today's connected teen may be losing touch with the real world, writes Kate Holmquist.
The Texter seduces by txt, breaks up by txt, shops by txt and would probably conceive, eat and defikate by txt if it was possible - and who says it won't be pawzble one day? Having tumbled from the womb with innate keyboard skills and an instinctive ability to manipulate electronic control units of all kinds, Texter's only regret is not having been born with extra digits. He or she belongs to the M Generation (for Millennium, born 1980-2000) and is so multiply intelligenced that it's scary - to his parents and teachers, at any R8.
The Texter even writes exams by txt, a practice credited with the DSTRUKSHUN of western litRaSE by sumbudyy in the Dept uv Ed, but allowed in New Zealand, Australia and even the UK where teachers R GR8FL 4 any attempt at all to write in something vaguely approximating the English language. Which is why Texter's parnz want to move there.
Texter realised as a toddler that a crayon and paper would never do, since he was breast-fed in front of the TV and one of his first presents was a pretend mobile phone that he abandoned within two minutes for the joys of the real thing, discovered in Mammy's handbag. The educational software his parents used to keep him occupied on the family PC as soon as he could sit up unassisted provided a sound foundation for his first explorations of the parental cellphone, which he learned to programme at age three by giving his parents amusing ringtones that embarrassed them in meetings.
Pestering the parents for a RELFON began so early that, by age eight, Texter was one of those schoolkids popping his phone - with MP3, two-megapixel camera and tri-world capacity - into the cardboard box that the TChR kept on her desk in a desperate attempt to hold the children's attenshun (tho she was seen to txt her byfnd at brake). Texter's written work was always late because he didn't see the poynt in writing in his own scribbly pencil when the typeface on the phone and PC looked so NIC.
By the first yr of secondary school, the Txter had his phone confiscated at least once during first term (that his parents knew about), although he was so good at txting under his desk that the teachers didn't notice that he was making crank calls to the White House and Nasa (or anyone else out of the jurisdiction) while pretending to do algebra, which he didn't take too seriously because there was a calculator on his fone.
SoShL life revolved around the FON with a bit of Bebo and MySpace included so he could share the PX he took at the WEKND with all and sundry without MXN his pay-as-you-go quota, introduced by his parents in an attempt to get the FMLY OWTUVDET when they rashly purchased his first phone on a monthly bill-pay scheme.
The Junior Cert allowed him to make the most of his vokabulry so that he could finish questions in zip time, using such stalwarts as 2 (for to, too and two) and b4, wuz, cuz and itz (4 its and it's - kwite EFSHNT).
His essay on Romeo and Juliet stated: "AROZBINEUTHR NAM WD SML S SWET", good practice for Transition Year, when he managed to keep half a dozen BGRLFs (best girlfriends) on the go simultaneously.
He defended the red (read? he gets confused) marx and LOPOYNTS he got on his paper (recalled from the State Examinations Commissions by his concerned parents) by poyntin owt the future for his JNRASHN. Didn't 13-year-old Morgan Pozgar win 25KgrndUS in NY this week when she typed "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" in 15 seconds? Not only was that a word from some film he's never seen, but he can type a lot faster than that. (Parents poynt'd out annual phone bill more than 25grndUS.) BSIGHZ, itz hardly a matter of life and deth - or MAB it iz. In the aftermath of the Virginia Tech shootings (Txter red on Google, which sends him updates by txt) - hundreds of US colleges are considering introducing new emergency text alert systems to warn students of danger. In Meath, schools are alerting parents to BNKIN OFF with txt msgs. Texter now has marching orders to text parents on the ower.
There's no going back. Like the average eight to-18 year old, Texter has grown up spending 6½ hours per day (konservtiv estimate from Kaiser Foundation on Google) switching between computers, TVs, movies, video games, books, iPods, cellphones and texting.
His PRNTS (M and D) sat him down for a tawk. They think HEZ disconnected from reality - quite the contrary, he's at least 8,000 times more connected than other people, since that's how many texts he sends each month. He snds pix in the middle of rock concerts, parties, lexshurs and his driving test in Dad's Lexus, which was why he FAYLD. He sends txts in his sleep. He's so hyper-connected that he's on the verge of a breakdown and DUZNT NO IT.
His 1,000 close friends expect him to keep them informed on every moment of his day. Should he feel LAZ and fail to tell his user-group about his plans (such as the cafe in which he intends to have his cappuccino on Saturday morning or the toilet in which he intends to - NVRMND) he will get a name as Anty Soshul. He can't watch a match without keeping his fingers busy with a play-by-play of the play-by-play.
Distraktd by FTBAL, he has unintenshunly sent txt msgs to 1,000 BFs instead of the one person consurned, witch wuz a prblm wen he broke it off with his girlfriend, who had unintenshunly forwarded the msg to 1,000 of her own BFs, each with her own opinion. This experience was a learning one, for it expanded his texting vocabulary immensely.
Commitment has become a problem, so when he's earning his own living he's DEFNTLY going to be a jetrosexual and fly Virgin Atlantic, where in first class he can flirt with his co-flyers by text and invite them to his sweet upon landing, so that he won't have to waste time txting on the beech. (He's careful where he hawlidaz because being out of coverage gives him panik atax.)
His parents are quite happy for him to go off with his friends as far a feeled as the local shopping centre and even 10erEF, because they know he can contact them any time of the day or night if there's a prblm. He's getting a bit worried, though, because l8ly there's nobody home in the evenings now that his M is bck werkin coz D sent email by mistake re: GF. Now Texter is getting instructions by e-mail from his mother for putting his dinner in the microwave.
The texter hates e-mail. Too slow and messy, with all that bother of logging on. Texting is preferable by far. Shd have tawt D long ago.
Despite difficulty spelling, the Texter is at the top of his class and is hoping to study neurology and linguistics at university. His RSI is becoming acute, which has given him MPaThE for those in pain, and he reckons that it would be far easier to have a microchip in his brain that would instantly text his thoughts not just worldwide but also throughout the galaxy to the new earth discovered this week, GLISA. Texter is inspired by the fact that his millions of text messages, transmitted via satellite even if they're only to the person on the sofa next to him, are travelling throughout the universe into infinity. (MayB this is Y his M and D say he iz alwayz "staring into space".)
GLISA is receiving his msgs 20 years L8, since GLISA is 20 lite years away. He noz what that means through his considerable scientific knowledge acquired from the National Geographic and Discovery channels (recorded on digital and watched in between texting) from the age of six mnths. If there are people on GLISA, they will find his msgs relevant, just as Sh8SPER is relevant to us 2DA. (He has written this down as a good answer on Lvng Surt shd it cum up.) James Joyce wrote a book - UliCs? - that nobody understood at the time due to itz cunfuzin grammar. Now everybody Cs it az a masterpeace. If he rites a novl, the texter will not b intimidated by convenshun.
Englsh teacher says his vocab is KRAP (could really achieve punctuation?) but Texter knows UTherYz. This is his life. This is his language. He hates using biros.
He intends his last words - when he's 180 - to be transmitted by text. And if he gets married, he will write his prenup in txt.
TheTexterFile
Who is he?
The ultimate communicator, connected to text-buddies worldwide
Why is he in the news?
Writing Junior Cert exams in txt and sending 8,000 texts per month
Appearance?
Swollen, fiddly thumbs and forefingers, usually under age of 27 years, if not 27 months
Most appealing characteristic?
Likes to KEPNTUCH
Least appealing characteristic?
Short attention span
Most likely to say?
RUOK?CUL8TR
Least likely to say?
Keep an eye on my Montblanc fountain pen, will you, dear sir? I must venture out to purchase a packet of stamps and some double-bond vellum.