DÁIL SKETCH:LIKE OUR recent Eurovision turkey, the economy is stuffed.
Crumbs.
(And no sign of any sage yet, with respect to Taoiseach Cowen and Finance Minister Lenihan.) The recession is official. It started yesterday. All talk of soft landings gone out the window.
Brian Cowen refused to confirm the news when asked about it in the Dáil. He couldn't even bring himself to say the "R" word.
Everyone in Leinster House knew a recession was imminent anyway. It was due to start on July 10th - when the Dáil rises for the summer - and run for three months.
The ESRI just brought forward the date and left the duration open-ended.
And so we may all be doomed. But should this be the case, let it go forth that we are standing at the dawn of a new doom.
It isn't the 1980s now, you know.
Taoiseach Cowen was at pains to stress that the economic problems facing the country are not as bad as they were two decades ago. Comparisons with the 1980s are being put forward by people suffering from "delusions", otherwise known as Enda Kenny and his front bench.
It will come as a comfort to the electorate to know that Ireland is not returning to shoulder pads, batwing sleeves, mullet hairstyles and reruns of Dallas.
Of this, Biffo is sure.
Because, to use the political cliche du jour, we are where we are: which is up a thoroughly modern creek without a paddle.
This is reassuring.
Brian Cowen, after four years in charge of the Department of Finance, is in a rather embarrassing position. When accusations of "blowing the boom" are thrown across the floor at his Government, he cannot look around his Cabinet for a culprit.
The best he can do is look in the mirror.
Labour's Eamon Gilmore didn't beat about the bush in making this point: "You have led this country into a recession," he told a scowling Cowen. "The Taoiseach talks about managing the economy. Taoiseach, you HAVE been managing the economy. You were minister for finance since 2004." He can hardly say he didn't see the downturn coming.
Enda Kenny was similarly unimpressed by Biffo's track record in finance. The warning signs were there for years, had he cared to notice them, the Fine Gael leader pointed out. His own Richard Bruton was able to recognise them and issue warnings, said Enda, as Little Richard smiled modestly.
He wondered what had happened to the no-nonsense Biffo of old.
"The Minister Brian Cowen who was the straight talker is no longer present in the chamber." Like Elvis, he had left the building, apparently.
Such a claim from Inda Kinny went some way towards supporting the Taoiseach's claim that certain members of the Opposition are delusional. During his time in finance, Cowen's performances had a deeply tranquillising effect on those forced to endure his regurgitation of economic statements prepared by pointy-headed mandarins in the Civil Service.
Straight talking is not the phrase that would come immediately to mind.
Meanwhile, Enda was building up to a big finish - slowly getting around to his long-grass moment.
"You've actually demonstrated and proven over the last number of years, in your capacity as minister for finance, that you are neither qualified nor able to run the economy." A hit from Enda, a palpable hit! He had waited a long time to get his own back on Brian Cowen, after the then tánaiste cut the legs from under him last February during a debate on Bertie Ahern's tribunal evidence. At the time, Cowen told Kenny he was "neither qualified nor able" to judge Ahern.
Enda folded, winded by the withering put down. At that moment, as Brian continued to support his leader despite yet more damaging evidence, the Fine Gael leader should have floored him with a counter-punch. But he didn't, and his weakness was noted.
Yesterday, it was Biffo's turn to be winded.
The Taoiseach replied with the usual string of economic jargon. Budget strategies had to be sustained, going forward. There were challenges to be met, going forward. A temporary adjustment is required, going forward.
These things happen in "a counter-cyclical economy". It sounded a lot like waffle.
The pointy-headed mandarins would have loved it.
But it was Enda who carried away the laurels this time.
