Conference Sketch/Miriam Lord:The theft of political clothing has always been with us, but it is now beginning to spiral out of control.
A recent raid on a south Dublin lawyer made headlines last week for the ruthless and daring manner of its execution.
"I was at home last Saturday night watching television with my family when a large man with spectacles and a smiley face burst into the living room and stole my best suit," recalls Michael McDowell (55) from Ranelagh.
"To the day I die, I will never forget the awful moment he grabbed my clothes and shouted: 'I am taking 2 per cent off the lower rate of tax!' I couldn't believe this was happening, but the man caught me totally off guard and there was nothing I could do. I was so shocked a full day passed before I was able to issue a press statement.
"Gardaí were on the scene quickly because I am the Tánaiste, the Minister for Justice, the leader of the Progressive Democrats and I possess a brilliant legal mind. They later confirmed that the intruder's name is Pat Rabbitte and he is very dangerous."
The raid left its mark on the shaken father of three, who made a brave effort to recover his property at the PD conference in Wexford. He warned people not to approach this man Rabbitte, who cannot to be trusted and steals clothes that he never intends to wear.
"We are no Johnny-Come-Latelys to low rates of taxation or to the concept of freeing people's incomes," the plucky politician said during his maiden address to party delegates.
Given his recent trauma, Michael was bearing up very well under the strain. Perhaps the support of nearly 1,000 PDs lifted his spirits in these difficult times - a 1 per cent rating in the opinion polls followed by Rabbitte's audacious raid.
Or perhaps it was the calming presence of his dog Jack, who was brought to the conference due to a pet-minding mix up and slept in the family car between walks.
The Tánaiste was in high spirits when he returned to the hotel at midnight after enjoying dinner in a nearby restaurant.
"Meet the real Rothweiller," he boomed as Ms McDowell rounded the corner. If Michael continued in that vein we suspected the dog wouldn't be sleeping on his own.
Suddenly, a plump black and tan terrier hurtled into view and launched himself at the Minister for Justice. For this was Jack, and, just like his master, he loves attention. The gregarious little chap shot over to the journalists standing outside the hotel. Tail wagging, short legs working overtime, tongue hanging out, he put on a big show and the ladies and gentlemen of the media couldn't get enough of him.
His master watched proudly, holding a foil container of leftovers from dinner. Lucky old Jack.
Is there nothing Michael McDowell won't do to get good publicity? Producing his dog. That's a low blow.
Earlier in the evening, the PD faithful mustered for Michael's maiden speech (a funny term for a loquacious leader who deflowered the medium a long time ago) and switched on to the Power of One.
As opposed to the power of 1 per cent in the polls, which nobody mentioned.
Despite the many tributes to former leader Mary Harney, the weekend was all about Michael McDowell.
Everything revolved around him. "He is the meat in the sandwich," trilled deputy leader Liz O'Donnell during her rather flat build-up to his arrival on stage. "His passion for politics is absolutely dazzling!"
The audience was ordered to wave little flags that were placed on all seats at appropriate stages during the speech. The large number of young people in the hall responded with gusto.
A leading light in the party was asked afterwards how they managed to get so many young people to attend.
"Call it a scholarship system," he grinned. "You can't expect 18 or 19-year-olds to come away for a weekend and pay for their own food and accommodation"
In a speech which didn't make any reference to his Fianna Fáil coalition partners, Michael McDowell set about rubbishing Pat Rabbitte and reclaiming his PD taxation clothes.
He announced cuts at both the higher and lower rates of tax, to huge cheers. He followed this yesterday with announcements on plans to cut stamp duty, increase childcare benefit and introduce an SSIA-style pension scheme.
If Pat Rabbitte can steal his clothes, then Michael can burgle Bertie. At this rate, by the time Fianna Fáil's ardfheis rolls around next month, the Taoiseach won't have a stitch to wear.