I WOULD have written a column this week, but nothing seemed to make any sense. So here are some completely random thoughts instead.
The First Celtic Tiger:
WE all know Ireland is a fast-changing place these days but - in the week that's in it - it may be worth remembering that in some respects the country hasn't changed at all since the fifth and sixth centuries.
Then too, Ireland was a dynamic young country, with a highly-educated, Latin-speaking workforce ideally suited to life on the information superhighway created by the spread of Christianity.
The new religion brought about an economic boom here. Monasteries became centres of great wealth and influence; the arts flourished; there was a lucrative trade in illuminated manuscripts (an early form of educational software) and Irish scribes were much sought after, commanding big advances.
Soon, young Irish entrepreneurs were founding their own religious houses all over Europe, competing successfully in a hostile market-place full of Huns, Goths, and Visigoths, and running up a huge balance of payments surplus, religion-wise. Meanwhile, the country was becoming one of Europe's top tourist destinations, with hoards of Vikings arriving at the weekends.
In short, Ireland was "hot" in the middle of the last millennium. Then it all went horribly wrong. There is a lesson here for our politicians.
The Year Zero problem:
THOSE who still think the millennium bug is a fantasy thought up by computer nerds should check out the "Chronicle of Historic Events" section of Pears Cyclopaedia.
According to this - I was shocked to find - nothing at all happened between the years 4 BC (the now accepted date of Jesus's birth) and AD 6 (the introduction of a civil service examination system in China!).
Now, even allowing that there was no year zero, and OK, if you want to be picky, that the BC
AD system wasn't instituted for another six centuries, is it really possible that there was no single event of note during those 10 years? It's not as those weren't exciting times: the cyclopaedia says that Horace (it doesn't give his second name) died in 8 BC, and a Roman army was annihilated (Huns again) in AD 9.
So could it be that records for the period in question were simply wiped? It's just a thought. (Another thought is that it's lucky Christianity didn't reach China, or the civil service applicants would never have got notification of the interviews.)
Bars and stripes:
ONE of the most touching wildlife programmes I've seen in a long time was a recent zebra special on the National Geo- graphic channel. What I most liked about it was the confirmation that, when baby zebras are born, their survival depends on them quickly memorising their mothers' markings, and vice versa.
This means zebra brains really do work like supermarket scanners: in fact, if you listened very closely, you could hear little "beep" sounds every time the zebras looked at each other (maybe it was just my television). It didn't say it in the documentary, but the reason barcode recognition is so vital to baby zebras is that, if they forget the markings, they then have to type in a
long serial number. Lions always take advantage of this situation.
Anarchist waiters:
I liked an item from the back pages section of the Herald Tribune recently, noting the 75th anniversary of an incident in which "American diners" in a fashionable Paris restaurant were shocked when a waiter - an Italian anarchist - pulled out a revolver and shot one of the customers.
I'm sure this is a popular fantasy among waiters. But in this case the victim was a fascist leader (his name was "Bonservizi" which sounds like it might mean "good service" in Italian); and the waiter shouted "Down with Mussolini" just in case anyone thought he was reacting to a complaint about the food. Still, I bet some of those Americans doubled their tips that night, to be on the safe side.
The waiting profession has always attracted anarchists, of course; perhaps because, like acting, anarchism has a lot of quiet periods. This probably explains why - while not all waiters want to overthrow the world order - many of them will deliberately mix it up between you and the kitchens.
Butt joke:
THE row involving Guardian-reading Graham Le Saux has turned the spotlight on English football's so-called "yob" culture. So while we're on the subject, has anybody else noticed the extraordinary number of monosyllabic names playing for Manchester United: Stam, Berg, Butt, Cole, Scholes, Yorke, Keane, Giggs and Brown, to list all the ones I can think of at the moment?
I'm not suggesting the players are monosyllabic: I've seen them interviewed and all their answers begin with "Yeah, obviously . . . " But this must be a matter of club policy. And you can see how it subconsciously encourages crisp, one-touch football: if your name is "Le Tissier", for example, you have to hold on to the ball that bit longer to get mentioned by the commentator.