Millennium Mystique

Q. I think I'm suffering from PMT. Could you detail the symptoms and suggest a remedy?

A. Careful how you go with PMT. If you are suffering from any of the symptoms below it's best you take yourself to bed and stay there until January 1st next year because we don't need any of you people around over the following months. PMT, or pre-millennial tension, was first diagnosed midway through this decade when members of evangelical groups suffered from spontaneous hysteria in anticipation of the "divine rapture" that would accompany the dawn of the new millennium.

In 1994, thousands of worshippers at a church near Toronto were busy discussing the Second Coming in the year 2000 when they were overcome with PMT and began laughing uncontrollably, falling over and remaining rigid on the ground with beatific smiles on their faces. Dr Andrew Walker of King's College, London, who studied the "Toronto incident" was the first to coin the phrase "pre-millennial tension".

Over the last few months PMT has spread to the general population, albeit in a less virulent form. It can be identified by any form of conversation which has a vaguely apocalyptic theme. In particular you should look out for the telltale phrase "an all-consuming global conflict".

There is, though, a general unease about the millennium and what it holds in store and expect this to be unmercifully exploited, not just on a superficial consumer level ("Who's for the last of the millennium crystals?") but on a more dangerous religious fundamentalist level.

Ultra-right Christian groups, who view the millennium as "End Time" see the next few months as the best opportunity to recruit new members, especially those suffering from PMT delusions - "It's the greatest opportunity since the Tower of Babel" as one of their websites has it.

In Israel, the government has already expelled a number of fundamentalists who were allegedly preparing to attack the Temple Mount "to precipitate Armageddon" and the city of Jerusalem is under a round-the-clock full-scale security alert as an estimated five million tourists are expected for the millennium, not all of them with joyous celebration on their mind.

"Don't let any tourist into your city who hasn't got a return ticket and a place to stay," Richard Landes, head of the Centre for Millennial Studies at Boston University, told the Jerusalem Report newspaper. "I would say to Israeli security that the Mount of Olives might be taken over by squatters waiting for Jesus to return," he said.

Now, more than ever, is the time not to listen to PMT-addled prophets of doom, such as the self-appointed millennium group, the Association for Research and Enlightenment, which is busy telling anybody stupid enough to listen that "in 1999 we will be moving towards the grand Central Sun and will have crossed a bridge out of the darker ages".

When pressed for further details of this novel meteorological condition, the association said an earthquake will sink the south-western US, ash will cover the North and South Poles and meteor showers will abound. In other words, best bring your coat.

Expect good ol' Nostradamus to be wheeled out at every turn over the next few months with much discussion of his prediction that "in the year 1999, in the seventh month, from the sky will come a great King of Terror". The fact that he's been wrong about most everything else doesn't seem to disabuse people of the notion that he is, in some sense, a "prophet".

There will be no hiding place over the next few months from PMT propagandists, and the main groups you should be crossing the street to avoid are doomsday groups, evangelical churches, UFO enthusiasts and conspiracy theorists. Unfortunately UFO enthusiasts are all-weather nutters and, unlike the others, will still be with us next year.