THE LAST STRAW/Frank McNally: Dairy farmers will have watched with alarm the recent saga in the US state of Ohio, involving the escape from a high-security facility of a hoofed and dangerous cow.
In case you missed it, the story began on February 15th when the 1200-pound Charolais made her dramatic break-out from a Cincinnati slaughterhouse, reportedly hurdling a six-foot fence on the way to freedom. She then high-tailed it - quite literally, I would guess - to a city park three miles away, before going to ground in thick vegetation. There, surviving only on grass, the nine-year-old cow evaded a search operation involving helicopters, mounted police and marksmen with tranquilliser guns, and for 11 days refused to give herself up.
The urgency of the search was explained partly by fears that she would break on to a nearby highway. But at the height of the crisis, the authorities may also have been worried about local journalists injuring themselves trying to think up new puns to top "bum steer", "steak-out" and "the hunt for Moo-sama". Either way, the fugitive thwarted a series of plans to tempt her into the open, including the placing of decoy cows in pens nearby.
Finally, at a stage when the police were probably expecting the cow to issue a demand for a million dollars and a plane to fly her to India, she was recaptured. Subsequently granted clemency, she is now enjoying a peaceful retirement. But the saga ended only last week, when Cincinnati wisely abandoned plans to confer her with the freedom of the city (something she must have thought she had already) during an annual parade, no doubt after discussions with the insurers.
The episode had a tragic sequel on April 4th when, also in Ohio, a young steer escaped, this time breaking into a golf club where it charged people. Attacking golfers is hardly a crime. But possibly fearing that this was turning into a movement, police shot the animal dead. There is no evidence the shooting was politically motivated, but many people will feel that with a Texas rancher in the White House, the second escapee never had a chance.
The original incident can only heighten concerns about the use of growth promoters in US livestock production. It's well known that cattle reach their athletic peak at about three years, and when a cow is clearing six-foot fences at the age of nine, you have to ask questions. According to an Irish Charolais-owners club, the breed (the cattle, that is, not the owners) has a "well-deserved reputation as a fast, efficient producer of high-quality lean meat". But, however you interpret the word "fast" there, there's nothing about jumping ability.
Her physical achievements apart, the Cincinnati cow showed a degree of cunning not normally associated with the bovine community, never mind the (predominantly blonde) Charolais. Indeed, one report quoted an expert as saying: "cows, in general, are way smarter than people give them credit for". Having grown up on a dairy farm, I would say this is a controversial opinion. And yet the Ohio case is not unique, as an Internet search for the words "escaped cow" - with a whopping 53,000 hits - shows.
The results range from the respected website, mycattle.com ("the cattleman's best online resource"), which features a case in New York two years ago, to a site for vegetarian fundamentalists. On the latter, I discovered a story from Massachusetts in 1995, when a 1400-pound Holstein heifer called Emily leapt a five-foot gate (plausible enough for a heifer) and escaped into the woods. Aided by Vegan partisans, the escapee spent 40 days on the run before being caught. Again, the effort was rewarded, however, because the abattoir sold Emily to an animal sanctuary for a dollar, on the grounds that she had "run off much of her value". More evidence of cunning there.
The case of the Cincinnati cow seemed to me tailor-made for Hollywood. In fact, I even jotted down a few ideas for a screenplay (I have a cow in mind that would be perfect for the lead), and my only worry is that the material might be a bit too original. I was wrong, as it turns out. The film rights for the Holstein heifer's story were bought in 1996 by a US production company. And while I can't find any evidence of the film being made yet, no doubt "Emily: the Moovie" (in black and white) is working its way through the studio process as we speak. All I can say is, the Charolais would have looked better on camera.
So there you have it. Clearly, dairy farmers everywhere should increase security, and be on alert for any signs of organisation in their herds. I'd end this column with a suitable pun, but I think I've already milked the topic for all its worth.