THE LAST STRAW/Angela Long: Celebrity is a wonderful thing. Just ask Hillary Clinton, who has secured around eight million greenbacks for the inside story of living with Bill the Phil (-anderer), and her journey from being a frumpy bluestocking with frizzy hair to a sleek blonde presidential hopeful in her own right.
Most people have now read or heard the leaked extract from the Hillary biog, to be published on Monday, in which she describes her shock and horror when naughty Bill finally breaks the news to her about his cigar activities with Monica Lewinsky.
Can't you just see Hillary's eyes widening with shock and horror? But Bill, does this mean you've been untrue to me? You mean there's been . . . somebody else? Bill, I didn't know you were that kind of man! You mean, you mean, you lied? But you are the president!
Yeah, right. Like she had no idea his libido was as big as the state of Arkansas. Or that politicians have that flexibility with truth which allows them to debate the meaning of the word "is".
Or, if you get down to it, that she is really going to tell it like it is while her career still has somewhere to go, which she naturally hopes will take her back to the scene of his misdemeanour. And there's the little matter of still frisky 56-year-old Bill, who has a few good years left in him, personally and politically. It would be an act of disloyalty to spear him, as well as an offence against enlightened self-interest. She even gives him an ad for the memoirs he is writing, saying he needs to tell his side "in his own way" (and for $12 million).
Hillary is alive and kickin', and that's why we should treat the autobiography as a political treatise, rather than a "tell-all" dripping with juice and unmentionable bodily fluids. Recently, the memoirs of the late British prime minister, Harold Macmillan, were withdrawn when a legal eagle noticed that somebody still living had been libelled. You have to be careful with those alive, as they have recourse to the courts. They could also have a big say in whether or not your still robust ambition goes any further. You can't say where the bodies are buried when those who put them there are still in positions of power and influence. It's hardly likely she would be as frank as our own bestselling biographer, Keano, with his devil-may-care attitude.
Anyway, just as the rich are different because they have more money, so the powerful are different because they can tell more lies. Who's going to hold them to account? A tribunal into planning in Co Dublin? Me memory fails me, yer worship. After all it was a l-o-n-g time ago.
Truth and realpolitik have been much in the news this week, with Tony Blair getting rattled over his infamous "attack in 45 minutes" claim. The New York Times reported disquiet in the CIA because its research on Iraq had been used for political purposes. Hence, a recent scene from Langley, Virginia:
"Hey, there, Chuck, don't spill your latte, but we got an urgent 10 o'clocker with the boy upstairs."
"What are you saying to me, Larry? And this is hot milk. I take no caffeine or stimulants of any kind. To keep my mind fresh and sharp."
"Yeah, yeah, well the thing is that we're all under the scoop about our reports on the wotchamacallits of mass doodoo."
"The Weapons of Mass Destruction, Larry. I do wish you could be more precise in your nomenclature."
"Hey, Chuck, get off my case, and leave my family out of it. Anyway, boy, there is some stink about all that work we did about Saddo and his greasy takeaway unclebusters. Chuckie, you'll never believe it, they're saying it was truth-optional, that we told them what they wanna hear! They're cutting a sweat because they got, like, ready-to-wear data!"
- Laughter, coffee slurped.
"I can't identify the reasons for your mirth, Larry. I personally have never tailored my research for any political motivation or cause. That to me is the essence of intelligence- gathering - impartiality, fairness, brotherhood for all men regardless of creed, colour, haircut or income, and in God we trust."
"Chuck, old bwana, there's gotta be something stronger than milk in that cup. Now get your ass over here so we can take it upstairs to be whipped."
"But, Larry, I am profoundly discombobulated by this discourse of criticism of our earnest endeavour. We provided our president with the latest, most accurate intelligence, but on a non-directional and need-to-know basis only."
"Hey baby, they tell me there were too many polysyllables for most folk in the sucker, so they had to get it down to: 'What the Iraqi people need to understand, see, is that we can whip their . . .'"
"Enough Larry! We shall go forth and put this little misunderstanding behind us. Floreat Intelligencia! Live free or die!"