Dáil sketch: "Bless me Michael, for I haven't sinned. It's been five days since my last confession and I'm only here today for the sake of appearances. I'm not doing the penance you set me last week and I won't be repenting for you now either. You don't scare me. I believe in a higher power."
And with that, Bertie Ahern took his transgressions to the court of the people and begged forgiveness for having caused them "bewilderment." This was only a half-hearted apology.
His plea merely concerned "recent relevations" (sic). Why the Opposition didn't demand his immediate resignation for this gross misrepresentation of the truth is truly shocking.
Bertie has been bewildering us for the last nine years. Indeed, as soon as he issued his ground-breaking apology to the Dáil yesterday afternoon, he was at it again.
The prepared script he read to the House went quite well, although why it took Fianna Fáil troubleshooters four days to put it together is, well, bewildering. The Taoiseach had nothing new to say on the subject of the money he trousered for an informal speaking engagement while minister for finance. He answered none of the questions about the "Manchester money" that the public was led to believe he would answer yesterday.
During an infuriating question and answer session, there was neither sense nor meaning to much of what he had to say - and that doesn't include the times he was mumbling into his tie and couldn't be heard.
This much anticipated Dáil session had promised so much. A High Noon, of sorts, for Bertie, his Government, and his Government partners.
The chamber was packed for the performance. Would there be blood in the sawdust by teatime? The Tánaiste and Taoiseach sat side by side. Glum and glummer. They both survived the day, but limped away like a pair of injured cowboys.
Bertie Ahern, the Whip Around Kid, rides again - but his horse is now lame and he's a bit of a laughing stock. Michael McDowell, the Milky Bar Kid, has been found out for waving around a toy gun.
The Milky Bar Kid is strong and tough and only the best is good enough? Not quite.
There was relieved applause from the Government benches when the Taoiseach finished reading his statement. It's a wonder somebody didn't pass around the hat as a mark of appreciation. Michael McDowell managed to clap, but across the way where the rest of the PD deputies were sitting, the reception wasn't quite as enthusiastic. Liz O'Donnell and Fiona O'Malley managed a desultory burst of applause, but former tánaiste Mary Harney sat on her hands.
Her demeanour didn't change much as the Q&A session progressed, while Liz looked deeply uncomfortable. Bertie's mature calculation, helped along with the benefit of some retrospective multiplication, was far from convincing.
If the Opposition had been any good, he should have been shot down rapidly. Unfortunately, after all the years they have had to practise, deputies on the other side of the floor are unable to ask one decent question, sit down and wait for the answer. Bertie may have been all over the place, but so were they.
The £50,000 he managed to "save" over the period from 1985 to 1993 raises some interesting questions. They were asked, but then buried in a welter of supplementaries.
If Opposition deputies can pose multi-layered queries, then the Taoiseach can cherry-pick the ones to which he wants to respond. Which is exactly what he did. Bertie confirmed he had no bank account in his name at that time. What did he do with the money, so? Deputy Rabbitte wondered if he kept it in a sock. Deputy Higgins wondered if he kept it in a shoe box. "I did keep that money in my own possession in that period," replied Bertie.
Visions of George Redmond came to mind, the man who memorably told the Flood tribunal that he was "a very heavy saver." George was found to have kept his stash in such places and the hot press and the garden shed.
Like Bertie, George lives a very frugal and simple life too.
There was no satisfactory explanation from the Taoiseach as to how he acquired this money and where he kept it. He didn't answer when asked how he cashed his salary during this time and how he funded his daily living expenses.
Fine Gael's Damien English struck a glancing blow when he asked a question that has probably vexed a lot of men around the country during the week. How, wondered the Dáil's youngest deputy, could Bertie managed to go to six Manchester United matches in a year when he was supposed to be on his uppers?
The PDs looked distinctly uncomfortable as the Whip Around Kid bumbled through to the end. Just over an hour later, Milky Bar McDowell rode to his rescue and said his party would be staying in Government.
Two wounded cowboys now. They should be grateful the Opposition injuns haven't mastered the bow and arrow yet.
