RADIO REVIEW: I'm sure Eamon Dunphy meant to send Roy Keane a "Miss Manners" book for Christmas. Tragically, he apparently failed to do so, and on Wednesday's Morning Ireland (RTÉ Radio 1, Monday to Friday) RTÉ sports editor Tony O'Donoghue was forced to regretfully report that Keane's early retirement announcement constituted a violation of "the etiquette of professional football", which seems to have something to do with not saying anything potentially disturbing in the build-up to a big match, writes Harry Browne.
It's such a shame, because up to now Keane's etiquette has been little short of impeccable. I have heard rumours of the occasional miscue involving dessert spoons and knee injuries, but only a shower of Man United-hating begrudgers could question his positively chivralric behaviour in the build-up to Ireland's June World Cup opener, which involved pouring public derision on his team-mates and screaming profanity at his manager. Walt Whitman's words, "O Captain! My captain!", spring inspiringly to mind.
Perhaps, just perhaps, the boy Roy still has a thing or two or learn, and if he's looking for an example of leadership he might gaze beyond Fergie, his solicitor and the Man U doctors whose careful, compassionate and considered examination of United's potential fixture list led them to the only profitable conclusion. Keane might just look to Hussain - not the justly maligned Butcher of Baghdad, but the hard-pressed captain of England's cricket team, Nasser Hussain.
On Wednesday afternoon and evening, as Irish radio was still coming verbosely to terms with Keane's defence-splitting intervention, BBC Radio 5 was wisely playing and replaying an interview with Hussain. Now, like Roy in Saipan, Nasser is about to captain his country in his sport's World Cup, but lucky for him he hasn't had to contend with balls arriving a day late or the training pitch being too hard. Hussain has just had the small matter of assessing a death threat against himself, his teammates and their families, and the likely effect on the political situation of Zimbabwe - and the safety of ordinary Zimbabweans - if England were to play their scheduled game there.
Nasser didn't sound one bit happy that it had essentially been left to a bunch of sportsmen to transform themselves into instant experts on African politics at the 11th hour. But his obvious regret never turned to petulance, and his uncondescending concern for his team-mates, some of whom were reduced to tears by their ordeal, was constantly in evidence. He was alert to the sporting and financial implications of the decision-making process, but always clear that they must be secondary to the possible lives at stake. He was smart, nuanced, gentlemanly. Of course, Keane might say, "That's probably what makes England so crap at cricket." Or maybe he'd just insist, "It's a United thing, you wouldn't understand." If we don't understand Roy Keane by now, it's not for want of trying. That Wednesday, Morning Ireland began with David Hanly warning us that most of the programme's two hours would be devoted to the Keane issue, though it would also include "some news", he said. Luckily there's not been anything much else happening in the world this week. (This column never, ever discounts the importance of football - not when Mary Raftery can seriously speculate on Today with Pat Kenny [RTÉ Radio 1, Monday to Friday] that the government may have done such a lousy indemnity deal with the religious orders because the Cabinet discussed the subject on the day of the Ireland-Germany game.)
Morning Ireland had also treated Tuesday as a slow news day, filling much of the last half-hour with prerecorded packages instead of the more usual live interviews. This was to the programme's benefit - the two items were exceptionally strong.
One was a report from Richard Downes on ex-heroin addicts learning to sail, and it managed to be colourful and human-interesting while also calling attention to the importance of such projects. Gerry, the retired gent who takes the lads out on the boat, sounded genuine when he said he was meeting the best characters he'd ever come across, and ex-addict Darren sounded still-more genuine when he explained why he simply couldn't ever again meet up with his old drug-using friends.
Next up, Emma O'Kelly's interview with a horribly exploited Filipino domestic servant was more dramatic - complete with sobs - and, combined with a studio interview involving the Equality Authority's Niall Crowley, it sharply highlighted an important subject.
The Iraq debate was left largely to Liveline (RTÉ Radio 1, Monday to Friday), home of the ugly Americans. (Pro- and anti-war Yanks displayed Keane-like manners.) America's sad theme for the week, trotted out on the show, has been to beat Europe with a stick labelled "WW2". It's a sickening re-enactment of the Stalinist politics that insisted we should "Hail the Red Army" in Hungary, Czechoslovakia and Afghanistan because it happened to be roughly the same one that had defeated the Nazis.
Ireland's tolerance for such manipulative propaganda is too low now for that sort of nonsense - just ask Roy.