"Hang on lads, don't start the camel race yet - there's a streaker on the pitch!"Where are we? Dubai? Ballydung? Leopardstown? Croke Park? It's Saturday night on Roundstone's one and only village street, during the third day of it's four-day summerfest.
The camels in questions are large tin models on plinths, lined up against a chalk starting line, each of them attached to their fiercely competitive jockeys up the street by skeins of string.
The camel racers are men and women of assorted sizes and vintage, hunched over bar stools outside Ryan's pub, waiting for the signal to start reeling their camels in like kites.
The streaker is a naked Jack Russell dog, and the comperes are Brendan Morrissey and Paddy Rock, whose mission is to crown one of these competitors the Connemara Culchie King before the night is out - and to hell with semantics, since a good number of competitors are of the queen gender.
This is the first heat of the night's rounds in the competition. Disqualification from the race comes if you sneakily pull the camel towards you in bursts (as many do), rather than wrapping the string round a wooden skein and winding it slowly but steadily homewards.
This is Summerfest's fifth year in the pretty Galway village, and a festival which combines community craic with fundraising for the Royal National Lifeboat Institution. Highlights include events such as "Cow Plop" - cow-pat bingo on the village tennis court; a hole-in-one golf competition that involves teeing off the pier-side to a floating green in the harbour; music from a band called the Tragic Roundabout; and of, course, the Culchie King Contest.
Round two of this competition is Wellie Throwing. Three piles of tyres are stacked up at various distances from the starting line, with scores of three, five and seven points for boots that successfully reach their targets. You get three attempts and it's astonishing how many people suddenly materialise out of the streetside bars to hand their drinks over to a minder and throw the wellie. The children of Roundstone are ecstatic, caddying tirelessly for wellies. Ryder Cup, eat your heart out - wellie throwing and fetching is far more entertaining - and inclusive.
Despite wellie-throwing by virtually every adult in the village (including the Irish Times reporter, who scored nothing), it proves remarkably difficult to score wellie hole-in-ones. Among those who do manage it are Melanie Philips from Wicklow, Tyrone man Shane Coleman, and Roundstone resident Oliver de Lapp. These three go on to the next heat.
Round three is Picking Potatoes. Two bags of Rush Queens are the basic tools. They are emptied onto the street, between long pieces of wood, one drill for each competitor. The aim is to see who can get the spuds back into the bag fastest. Round five is Footing the Turf, on the low stage next to the harbour wall. Each competitor gets 14 pieces of turf, to be stacked upright in two separate reeks in the correct manner, with a roof on top. Shane Coleman is finished minutes before everyone else. You could say he put the boot into the footing competition.
Final round is Tractor Racing. Hay bales are placed at strategic intervals along the sloping road. Competitors must take turns on a toy tractor to drive down the hill, successfully manoeuvring the hay bales en route. "Watch out for the woman driver," Morrissey quips to boos, as Melanie Philips, the one and only woman left, starts her tractor run. She makes it down the hill in 18.63 seconds, but is beaten by Coleman, who is two seconds faster.
This, combined with his other successes, ensure the Tyrone man, visiting Roundstone for the weekend, the title of Connemara Culchie King. He'll now go on to the national final - yes, there is such a thing - at Athboy, Co Meath, during the October Bank Holiday weekend.
