Some single women (and men) browse online personal ads looking for a knight in shining armour. Others are not satisfied with mere mortals and will only make do with the Son of God. Until recently, the latter usually entered a religious order. But, thanks to jesus.com, the personal ad to end all personal ads, there is one man who claims to have it all...and more! (Flowing tresses, spiritual enlightenment, a swimmer's build and a six-pack, to be exact.) "Jesus" is risking his life to find the right woman. After all, he has one of the most sought-after domain names in cyber history and some God-fearin' - and, probably, gun-totin' - folk are not happy. So, although you will get to feast your eyes on "Jesus" himself, he does not disclose his name or telephone number for fear that certain Christian groups will make good on the death threats he claims to have received.
His friends at college started calling him Jesus after he grew his hair long, hence his early interest in the domain name.
"I have created the most extravagant personal ad in the history of civilisation," he says, adding that he's looking for a woman who has "maintained both her personal playfulness and dignity in public, never sacrificing her spirit for the demands of others". Take a seat. His requirements go on for quite a while. . .
Since turning the site into a personal ad last year, he is enjoying his role as the Internet's most famous single man. The US's Wired magazine photographed him, promoting his offer to bathe with members of the opposite sex. If you are tempted and wish to travel to Washington DC to meet Jesus, be prepared to be photographed. Still, only a handful of women have made it into his inner sanctum.
As online personal ads replace traditional lonely hearts columns, jesus.com is a good starting-point from which to examine the, er, genre. For a start, the Internet has done for singles what other cultural forces, such as Ally McBeal and The Knock Marriage Bureau, could not. It has given them a hipper, kick-ass status as well as the opportunity to be creative and witty. They can show their favourite photographs of themselves online and, like jesus.com, even get some media attention along the way.
It sounds like a great chance to be absolutely fabulous. But sadly, many Irish personals just don't cut it. For a start, it is not necessary to be "cool" in order to have a cool ad. It's all about marketing, individuals selling the best of themselves. Here, singles can show how wonderfully unique they are (and, unless they're serial killers, that's got to be a good thing). But judging by the spelling errors, mealy-mouthed gripes about ex-lovers and unflattering photographs, we've a lot to learn.
One of the participants on irishsinglesonline.ie commits a cardinal sin. Unlike jesus.com, who doesn't mind telling and showing us how toned he is, this guy says: "My friends tell me I'm good-looking." This false modesty should be a turn-off for any right-thinking male or female (unfortunately for women, he is heterosexual.) But he doesn't stop there. He again employs his unsuspecting friends to do his bidding. They have, he says, described him as "fine" and "hot".
Encouragingly, another personal ad makes a wry allusion to this irritating habit, stating: "My friends tell me I'm ugly." Immediately, you can tell both that he has a sense of the absurd and that he has cottoned on to the plethora of phoney ads that refuse to tell it like it is.
As with a curriculum vitae, online spelling errors can rule someone out. One apparently domesticated lady asks to be "sweeped" off her feet. Will this romantic act involve a broom of some description? Worse still are those individuals who say: "I'm just an average/ordinary guy." Again, the curriculum vitae comparison reveals the faux pas. If you were to tell a prospective employer that you were "just an average/ordinary guy", would you expect him/her
THESE two unattractive answers missed the chance to turn something negative into something positive or humorous. lies with the matchmaker.com format, which gives a list of largely irrelevant questions - including salary - and "matches" the respondents on a percentage basis. So, you could have the same answers for every question, except your sexuality, and matchmaker.com will helpfully give you a 99 per cent match score.
Like newspaper advertisements, irishsinglesonline.ie merely leaves space for a "message". It doesn't encourage people to dig deeper with any thought-provoking or original questions. Even so, one chap has run with his own baton. Fungi2001 is in his 30s and looking for a woman. Already, his profile name suggests someone fun. He is "a lousy speler (sic) with a vibrant and slightly odd sense of humour" who has "a great job, great apartment and a good life".
If his optimism sounds vaguely North American, you'd be right. He's a Canadian living in Dublin. You can tell he is enjoying himself, while not shying away from the serious: "I'm very goal-oriented and believe that mutual respect, communication, loyalty and encouragement are the backbone of a meaningful relationship." So, he's not a messer, yet he's no Johnny One-Note either. He seeks a woman with a "healthy dose of traditional values. Must love Christmas!!!!"
Not surprisingly, North Americans are more new-media savvy. Judging by nerve.com, they know how to take (and pose for) inventive and artistic photographs. One guy, asked what celebrity he most resembles, says he is a mixture of Hugh Grant and Rupert Everett. Judging by his moody, well-lit photograph, he's not wrong. Asked where he'd like to be most, he replies: "In the midwest, in an open field surrounded by tornadoes that come only close enough to make my body sway to and fro." Evocative, yet personal!
With its list of well-chosen questions, nerve.com inspires its members. It attracts thoughtful, tortured souls. Most of its gay and bisexual ads are equally refreshing, unlike websites such as gaydar.co.uk which encourage/ attract people who want only sex. If that's what you want, fine; it's just limiting. (Plus, the unpleasant groin shots ghettoise the site.) Perhaps it is because we on this side of the Atlantic are not as socially progressive as the US. Or perhaps it is just the site itself.
Online personal ads allow you to be anyone you want to be, while still being yourself. And, whatever your religious or sexual persuasion, you don't need "Jesus" to tell you that.