Double Take:French journalists are currently scouring their archives for evidence that Cécilia Sarkozy and Ségolène Royal are not one and the same person, writes Ann Marie Hourihane
It now seems increasingly likely that Cécilia Sarkozy and Ségolène Royal are one and the same person. French journalists are currently rummaging in their considerable archives to see if they have a single photograph of the two women in the same place at the same time. The prototype of the ideal French woman has been born; get ready for Elysée Wives, the movie.
Suspicions grew during the French presidential election when Mrs Sarkozy vanished from public view for long periods of time as Ms Royal, Nicolas Sarkozy's political opponent, toured the country in a series of well-cut dresses. Despite the attentions of a besotted French media, Mrs Sarkozy could not be found. She didn't even vote and only made it to her husband's victory dinner - which she had allegedly organised - by turning up dressed in casual clothing and without make up. In other words, it was a rushed job. The Scarlet Pimpernel used to have the same problem.
But now, in the salons of Paris, tongues are beginning to wag. Even in France, there is a limit to the number of beautiful middle-aged women with straight hair, strong noses and small eyes. Attention has been drawn to the fact that the love lives of Mrs Sarkozy (49) and Ms Royal (54) are also strikingly similar. Both their partners, Nicolas Sarkozy and Francois Hollande, have recently had affairs with female journalists. While this is not unusual in France - or, indeed, in any country - it seems that both Mrs Sarkozy and Ms Royal were having affairs with men other than their partners at the same time.
Male sources close to The Irish Times have indicated that they don't care whether Mrs Sarkozy and Ségolène Royal are two persons or one - male sources like what they see. They characterised Ms Royal's style thus: "Not office, not business. Formal, sophisticated. The thinking man's crumpet . . . the school principal rather than the teacher." At this point, the screen went dark and we were unable to re-establish contact.
In sartorial terms, it seems that both Cécilia Sarkozy and Ségolène Royal are disinclined to take risks, favouring the barely varying uniforms of French chic. In this atmosphere of iron discipline, the fact that Cécilia Sarkozy is known to wear T-shirts and combat trousers is seen as a signal of rampant individualism, even of creativity. Foreign observers are left wondering how many white shirts one woman - or perhaps two - can possibly possess.
But foreign observers fail to understand that France is a country where the average woman would be far more willing to take a new lover than risk being seen with an inappropriate accessory. French journalists have been so busy calculating that the two Sarkozys have €180,000 worth of wristwatches between them that they haven't had time to count how many people have been, in Lady Diana's famous phrase, in the marriage. Or to put it another way, they haven't published the resulting list yet, and no one's holding their breath. When you think of what Bertie and poor Celia Larkin have been put through, it really is a shame.
In other spheres, the Sarkozy/Royal conflation has shown considerable daring. During the election, Ms Royal pretended that her relationship was still extant, when in fact it was well over; while Mrs Sarkozy had previously pretended that her marriage was over - when she spent some time in New York with a lover - when in fact, as far as her husband was concerned, it was very much alive. Mrs Sarkozy was also eager to negotiate with a psychopathic dictator, Muammar Gadafy of Libya, for the release of unfortunate Bulgarian hostages, but now that she is home, she is refusing to talk about it.
Altogether the Cécilia Sarkozy/ Ségolène Royal paradigm seems designed to illustrate, yet again, that French women have it sussed. Long centuries ago, their sense of proportion became so skewed that it has morphed into a heroic realism, and they have now been proven right - again. Here we are, a nation of nice, responsible girls with too many shoes and our waistbands stretched to the limit, our virtue irreproachable. And there they are, with three pairs of black trousers apiece and enough sexual intrigue to make Desperate Housewives look sadly tame; although, God knows, it doesn't take French women to make Desperate Housewives look sadly tame.
French women don't need to watch television, you see. The fact that Nicolas Sarkozy first met Cécilia whilst he was officiating at her first marriage is going to stretch any scriptwriter to the limit. But even leaving this sort of extravagant detail aside, and returning to the real world, it is undeniable that French women get politics, adultery and fashion whilst we get the Chardonnay, the Pringles and the constant shopping. Where the hell did we go wrong? However, as we are constantly reminded, Ireland is a young society and we can still turn this one around. First of all, we'll have to lose two stone and start using much smaller wine glasses. And no, I'm not optimistic either.