Make sure your presents for her are heaven scent rather than Yuletide stinkers, writes Emma Somers
Twenty years have passed but not one of them have faded the memory of the Anais Anais Debacle of 1991. Granted it was mam’s birthday rather than Christmas, but all told it was a life lesson in gift giving. After choosing the perfume (“Oh yes,” I told my dad, “that’s definitely the one she likes”), wrapping it to perfection and, by God, training the dog to take the ribbon in his mouth and deliver it, we were only delighted with ourselves. It is more blessed to give than to receive, after all.
It was the wrong perfume (Lou Lou, Anais Anais – same same to a 10-year-old), and the gift horses weren’t so much looked in the mouth as kicked in the teeth. We’ve never let her live it down (did I mentioned we trained the dog?), but after decades of her thoughtful gifts, and having been on the receiving end of a bottle of (albeit expensive) Chanel aftershave, it’s easy to understand Mam’s frustration.
So, how do you make sure your Christmas presents are heaven scent rather than Yuletide stinkers?
Sometimes the practical gifts are the best gifts, especially for mothers, skint sisters and long-suffering other halves. This doesn’t mean you have to buy her an ironing board: just be thoughtful, do your research and make sure it’s something she will use, whether that’s her favourite face cream or perfume, a voucher for a shop or beauty salon you know she likes, an iPod or a subscription to her favourite magazine.
Be sentimental – it’s the most wonderful time of the year, after all, and this is the single sure-fire way to earn Christmas brownie points with family and friends alike. There are any number of ways to get a bit soppy but by far the easiest and cheapest is with photographs: old family ones, ones of you together, ones from a particular occasion or trip. Release them from their digital or dusty prisons and get them into photo albums or frames, or even print one with a heartfelt inscription and pop inside a book to use as a bookmark.
Spend your time as well as your hard-earned cash. Think of an activity that you can share with your mother or your partner – a night at the theatre, tickets to a gig, a weekend away, a short course, or just afternoon tea in a nice hotel or dinner in her favourite (not your favourite) restaurant. Aside from being something to look forward to long after the wrapping paper has been shipped back to China for recycling, it’s a great way to show you care.
If you have the cash to splash – and let’s face it, she’s worth it – be indulgent. If you’re feeling confident, go for an expensive piece of jewellery. Again, doing your research is vital – there’s nothing more frustrating than receiving an expensive but misguided gift. If you need help, get it from someone who knows her taste and not just the woman in the shop who has never met her. If possible, get a gift receipt and don’t be too wounded if she wants to change it – it’s the thought that counts, but not if you have to wear it around your neck. If that sounds too daunting, a voucher for her favourite jewellery shop with a date to bring her there and pick something out is just as good.
Now for the kicker: the best Christmas present combines all of these things. It’s not that women are greedy (it really is the thought that counts) but even on a budget you can combine a little indulgence with something useful and thoughtful. A few stocking fillers can make all the difference.
AND WHAT THEY REALLY DON'T WANT...
1 David Gray's entire back catalogueMaybe it's the hunter-gatherer thing but women, for the most part, are not as obsessive as the men folk about collecting the full set. Just because we had a (passing and mortifying) interest in White Ladder, does not mean we want every CD the bobble-headed one ever recorded wrapped and under the tree for Christmas.
2 Ill-fitting lingerieNothing says "You won't be getting any" quite like lingerie that's two sizes too small, or two cup sizes too big, or reminiscent of something Roxanne might have worn before she put on her red light. Check the labels of her bras and knickers before you dare buy lingerie as a gift, and ideally stick to brands and shops she already uses – sizes differ wildly from one place to the next.
3 Presents picked out by the wrong personThe only thing worse than an unwanted present is an unwanted present that you know was picked out by someone else. This doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help if you're unsure of what to get – just seek it from the right person, someone with similar taste or a good working knowledge of what she likes.
4 Last minute pharmacy gift setsIf it says lavender anywhere on the box and comes with fluffy slippers, don't even bother. Go to the off-licence next-door and spend the money on some bubbly – you're still an idiot, but by the end of the bottle she may have forgiven you.
5 An ironTimes are tight, so practical gifts may be appropriate this year (we never tire of much-needed underwear/socks/slippers from parents, for example) but don't pass off household items as Christmas offerings, unless you want to spend the early part of 2012 in a cold snap to rival last year's big freeze.