The impact of childlessness on women can last a lifetime. When a woman wants to have a child but cannot, the pain she experiences can be indescribable. But it does not need to define her, as our research shows.
The 161 women we heard from – the findings of our study are published in the latest issue of the Irish Journal of Counselling and Psychotherapy – had varying reasons for childlessness. Some of them started too late to have a child (31 per cent), or they could not find a partner to have a child with (20 per cent). Some women shared struggles with their unexplained (19 per cent) or explained (14 per cent) infertility. Others wanted to have a child but their partners did not (7 per cent), leading to their suffering in silence.
For most women their circumstances led to childlessness; it was not a choice. It is difficult for some not to get frustrated at a world that told women they could have everything. Young women are told there’s no rush, that they need to focus on their careers first, that if they’re just a mother they’re not enough, but if they’re just a career woman they’re not enough either. Women may find it hard to not get angry at how short their biological window is or how men don’t have to worry about this; to not resent the loss of career progression when they take time out to have babies or the fear they might be viewed as a liability in the workplace. But what’s even harder is to find the energy to fight these social constructs – policies, laws and regulations – that can and should change.
No matter our circumstances, many women are worn down by the cultural values imposed upon us. We are especially worn out by the norms around motherhood. We are tired of our worth being measured by our motherliness, and not measuring up. In our study we note that historically, individuals who don’t have children are perceived as immature, materialistic and unstable; pejoratively described as barren, their infertility portrayed as a source of shame.
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There is more to being a woman than having a child. But despite knowing we are more than our fertility, women may carry a pain so multifaceted it defies words. These feelings are complicated, and can be negative and positive at the same time. The thoughts and feelings that women have about not having a child fluctuate and vary, they might never be fully settled or “resolved”. Not having children can certainly have its positives but it’s important to acknowledge the trauma of the experience too. Women who want to be a mother hurt in multiple ways, including the loss of a dream, a grief and trauma that is understood by a select few, their sense of failing to measure up to cultural norms. But what we found is that the growth that follows can be meaningful and profound.
Flourishing is the highest level of psychological wellbeing. It is a state of mind that allows people to experience more positive than negative emotions daily. Someone who is flourishing feels they can control their environment, make a positive difference to others, have autonomy over their lives, grow and contribute to society.
When describing women who are childless, researchers often highlight their psychological deficits. They discuss their higher levels of anxiety and depression, especially following a miscarriage. They point out the lower levels of life satisfaction. However, they forget to mention these research findings are often inconsistent and related to the time of a women’s life.
Our research found something different. Three in four of the women we heard from had stopped trying to have a child. Their average age was 42, and even though 42 per cent still longed to have a child, they also developed remarkable skills to cope and grow psychologically.
What is fascinating is how their adaptation went beyond mere acceptance. Many women became very skilled in managing their emotions. This allowed them to think about their unfulfilled dream, experience the sadness and loss of it, while at the same time find serenity and joy. More than one in three women we researched reported psychological flourishing: they were not only doing well but thriving. Despite their circumstances or perhaps because of them, they lived their lives to the full and were able to become the best versions of themselves.
Even more interestingly, many of the women we researched not only experienced acceptance but went beyond it to the state of psychological growth. The women in our study who experienced the highest levels of wellbeing had at least two symptoms of psychological growth after the struggle to have a baby.
Some have developed new friendships or become closer to their family and friends. They discovered new opportunities, changed their life priorities and refocused their attention on other things that mattered to them, such as new passions. They also described how they had realised their strength. Having gone through the challenge of a blocked goal, they found themselves coping well and thriving, which surprised them. Now they know they can tackle anything that comes their way. Finally, a few talked about their new spiritual outlook. The more growth they reported, the better their wellbeing.
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These findings are an important reminder of the personal growth that can come after deep suffering. They also whisper a call to our policymakers, our employers, our friends and family to remember that our flourishing is a social act, scaffolded by good policies and social structures that support women through their life cycle.
Women must be able to make choices about their fertility and motherhood without having to fear losing other things important to them. As a society we need to loosen our stereotypical thinking about who and what a woman is, and where our value lies. We need to practice humility in acknowledging and apologising when we said the wrong thing to a friend or made the mistake of assuming everyone at work wants to talk about their children too. Women who have been blocked in their dream of having children can flourish and experience wellbeing, but it is easier for us to do so in a world that supports us, whatever path we follow.
Dr Jolanta Burke is a chartered psychologist (BPS) specialising in positive psychology and a senior lecturer at the RCSI Centre for Positive Health Sciences. Dr Trudy Meehan is a senior clinical psychologist and a lecturer at the RCSI Centre for Positive Health Sciences