Even assuming they don't benefit from the tax exemption for original and creative work, Bertie Ahern's make-up artists are well paid, as artists go. At €187 a shift, they certainly won't starve in a garret. Although I imagine the job is fairly repetitive, with little scope for experimentation, the big plus for the artists must be the exposure involved. Not only does their work appear in endless TV footage and on thousands of election posters, it's also on permanent exhibition at one of the more prestigious art-houses of Dublin 2: the Dáil gallery, writes Frank McNally
The Taoiseach must be an easy canvas to work with too, lacking the craggy features of some of his predecessors. True, he does present certain technical challenges, particularly on Ash Wednesday. Next to Angela's Ashes, Bertie's are the most famous in Ireland. And not just for their extent - some years it looks like his forehead has been the site of a bonfire - but for their durability. Observers have wondered, no doubt unworthily, if part of the make-up artists' job is to keep them touched up. At any rate his ashes always look immaculate, even in late afternoon.
It's difficult to say where Bertie's face-painters would fit in the wider art community. As someone who has spent many hours in the Leinster House press gallery (the Dáil's Salon des Refusées, where all the unappreciated or misunderstood works go), I would place it in the realm of abstract expressionism. But it's hard to separate the poker-faced subject from the art. Certainly, the Taoiseach has a wide range of abstract expressions, and whether he's discussing Iraq, the e-voting debacle, or even his annual cosmetics bill, he never looks embarrassed. This could be the achievement of the make-up artists, or it could be all his own work.
The most interesting thing about his cosmetics expenses is that, having climbed precipitously from 2002 (€11,744) to 2005 (€26,198), they have plummeted in the first quarter of 2006 (€4,064), even though we've entered the run-up to a general election. When Tony Blair's make-up bill was revealed last year, analysts suggested his use of cosmetics spiralled during stressful periods. If the Taoiseach follows a similar pattern, the question is: what is he so relaxed about, suddenly?
It's not only politicians who are more conscious of their appearance these days. As prosperity pushes them up the hierarchy of needs, many Irish people are now choosing to rectify their physical defects. Ten years ago, if someone had told you that the couple down the road had just had "work done", you'd have assumed it was a kitchen extension. But it's a sign of the times that beauty salons and plastic surgery clinics seem to have outstripped pavement slabs as a cause of personal injury.
This week alone, a court awarded €16,000 to a model who was "temporarily cosmetically deformed" when a hot-wax treatment scalded her eyebrows. And in a separate case that appeared to have major implications for my breakfast when I read it, a plaintiff injured while having "five litres of fat" removed was awarded €18,000. Many women are prepared to suffer to be beautiful; although, clearly, some are suffering more than necessary in the growth of the physical improvement industry.
So John Gormley was probably over-egging when he taunted the Taoiseach with spending more on make-up that "the ladies" in Cabinet. It's true that Bertie is a long-time Manchester United supporter and he may have been contaminated in past years by the influence of girly-man David Beckham, the face of the global conspiracy to make men moisturise. But the tyranny of television accounts for much of a Taoiseach's make-up usage, because it's well known that having thousands of people watching you can be very harsh on the skin. You don't have to be in touch with your feminine side to wear make-up on TV. You could be completely estranged from your feminine side, communicating with it only through your solicitor, and the TV people will still insist on slapping an undercoat on your face.
Still, it's the Opposition's job to make the Taoiseach look bad, even if this involves flagrant double standards. Like when Bertie attributed most of his cosmetic expenses to Tuesday and Wednesday appearances in the Dáil, and Emmet Stagg asked: "Is that why you don't come in on a Thursday?" No, Emmet. As the Taoiseach neglected to remind you, why he doesn't come in Thursdays is because he was excused such attendance as the price of a 2002 deal that allowed Labour to keep its Dáil ranking ahead of the Technical Group - a face-saving exercise of which Max Factor would have been proud. At least Enda Kenny appears to have thought better of contributing to the debate on cosmetics, a wise decision given the popular perception that he is wearing lipstick in some of those poster ads.
It was left mainly to John Gormley to portray the Taoiseach's relationship with cosmetics as something from the reign of Louis XVI. On a point of information, however, the Green TD was not correct to claim that the make-up bill was "nothing but decadence". Yes, Decadence is a well-known eau-de-toilette spray for men. But in fairness, there is no evidence anywhere that the Taoiseach ever uses it.