A recent notice in this newspaper certainly appeared innocuous enough. It announced that Dublin Corporation intended to close certain streets to traffic on Friday, 22nd September as part of an event called European Car-Free Day. The intention was to demonstrate "how cities and towns would be more pleasant and safer if there were greater reliance on alternatives to private car use."
Given that some of the streets are going to be closed to all vehicular traffic on the day in question, the "alternative" means of transport being proposed is seemingly nothing other than a pair of feet, possession of which is still more widespread than that of a car. For a few hours, presumably, the city's population is to be transformed into a merry band of boulevardiers, as everyone who needs to traverse Dublin must do so at a casual stroll. Instead of rushing through a haze of petrol fumes from one appointment to the next, ambling will become the norm. There will be no cursing of the person blocking our path ahead, but only cheery greetings. After all, whoever heard of a flaneur suffering from anything stronger than an outbreak of ennui?
This, at least, is the charming theory. The reality, however, is liable to be different. As anyone who has ever tried to negotiate a path through one of the capital's existing pedestrianised streets can attest, walking in Dublin is liable to induce just as much fury as any other method of transport. The fundamental problem is the same as that caused by cars: there are now more people on our thoroughfares than these were ever expected to contain. Furthermore, few pedestrians seem to have any understanding of how to use streets in a careful and considerate manner. Venturing out in the city often entails encountering large numbers of walkers who, were such things a legal requirement, would still be holding only provisional licences.
Worst offenders
Among the worst offenders are the casual shoppers who are incapable of walking down a street in a straight line and instead wander diagonally from one side to the other. When the inevitable collisions happen, the party responsible for will look mildly baffled, even though such occurrences are a regular experience.
Then there are the lunch timers, those groups of workers who emerge from their offices between the midday and 2 p.m. and, far from using the time to escape from people they must face during the rest of the day, hit the streets three or four abreast, usually advancing with arms decisively crossed across their chests. Deeply engrossed in conversation, they move at a stately pace indicating complete indifference to everyone else who is attempting to use the same road. Pedestrians approaching from behind at a faster speed soon learn that the only method of passing a lunchtime cluster is to step off the pavement and thereby risk being struck by a vehicle; oncoming walkers realise they must do likewise if they are to avoid banging into one of these groups because an office collective has never been known to break ranks.
Migratory birds
Similarly challenging are the foreign students who come here to learn English. They can be found gathering in large parties outside the premises where they attend classes, contentedly talking in every language other than the one which first brought them to this country. They have many of the characteristics of migratory birds: not only do they tend to be found in Ireland during the summer months, but they also twitter loudly and then move off in flocks - sightings of single English-language students are exceedingly rare. A mitigating factor is that they can usually be heard long before they come into view, so there is enough time for an alternative route to be planned.
Flocks of foreign students are especially susceptible to the allure of the busker - an anathema to walkers in a hurry. Busking - along with ancillary forms of performance such as hair-plaiting or face-painting - is perfectly harmless in itself. But buskers invariably attract hordes of static admirers, who appear content to stand by admiringly while extracts from Vivaldi's Four Seasons are once more mangled by an adolescent string quartet or Ronan Keating's latest record is reinterpreted by two young men and a zither. .
Other irritating obstructions include: all teenagers; tourists who decide an map consultation is necessary and come to an abrupt halt without prior notice; friends who stop for a long chat on an especially narrow strip of pavement; bus queues. The last will be composed of an untidy and meandering line of commuters, all of whom become furious with anyone attempting to get past them, convinced that this is merely a cunning ploy to reach the head of the queue.
So what might be done to ensure that the already appalling conditions endured by Dublin's pedestrians are not made infinitely worse on European Car-Free Day? The most obvious solution is to instigate some of the rules which already apply to drivers. Licences are an obvious starting-point. Only walkers who have passed a test should be allowed on the streets alone; provisional pedestrians should be accompanied by a licence-holder at all times and, if caught venturing out on their own, be subject to a stiff fine and/or the obligation to practice several weeks' safe walking in the privacy of their own homes. Persistent offenders could find themselves banned from walking.
Equally helpful would be the introduction of laneways on pedestrianised streets to allow different speeds of movement among walkers. No strolling would be tolerated in the brisk lane and all overtaking would have to be clearly indicated well in advance. A zero-tolerance policy would be established for anyone found walking diagonally.
Hard shoulder
Where the roadway was sufficiently broad, a hard shoulder might be included for those who felt obliged to stand and talk; during rush hours, however, these would become Quality Walking Corridors in which stopping was absolutely forbidden. Buskers, naturally, would simply have to discover an alternative career and windowshopping in future would refer only to occasions when new glass was being bought for the home. In addition, all visitors to this country would be informed on arrival that ambling around the city was no longer tolerated, so perusal of maps and plans would be confined to hotel rooms prior to setting off for the day.
Only by such a radical approach could pedestrians hope to discover "how cities and towns would be more pleasant and safer" than is the case at present. Otherwise the difficulties encountered on the urban footpaths are likely to grow more severe and it can only be a matter of time before the first outbreaks of pavement rage are reported on the pages of this newspaper.