The vexed question of an Irish honours system surfaces every few months, to no effect. I heard a politician on the radio about it yet again this week. It is certainly annoying that our former colonial masters should have a free run at conferring knighthoods and the like on Irish citizens.
Yet the challenge of devising an honours system compatible with republican ideals has always defeated us.
Until now, that is: because the perfect solution suddenly struck me yesterday while I was reading all those news reports about excited restaurateurs. Now I know exactly how we should reward outstanding achievements in Irish citizenship. Never mind peerages or enrolment in the Legion d'Honneur. We should just adopt the Michelin Star system, under a different name.
The very first thing to be said about such a scheme is that, in order to avoid the abuses other state honours have suffered, it would need to be free of government control.
The "Hibernian Stars" (as they might be called) should be awarded by an independent panel of judges under the chairmanship of a suitable person: eg, the newspaper columnist who proposed the system. These judges would carry out the required undercover surveillance. For although the awards might recognise excellence in a single discipline, this alone would not suffice. As with Michelin-starred restaurants, the person's general "ambience" would also have to be considered.
Some departures from that scheme would be necessary, of course. For one thing, central to the Michelin criteria is the issue of whether or not a premises is worth going out of the way to visit.
Unfortunately, many distinguished people do not welcome stalkers. It is therefore unlikely that Van Morrison or Bono would appreciate the award of even two stars based on Michelin guidelines ("excellent. . .worth a detour"), never mind three stars ("exceptional. . .worth a special journey"). But the system would be kept as close as possible to the original, in the hope of enjoying similar prestige.
To this end, crucially, the awards would be subject to annual review. Honorees could lose stars as easily as receive them. This would keep people on their toes and have the added advantage of differentiating the Irish system from the British one - where the recipient of a knighthood can later turn into a complete degenerate and still retain his title for life.
Furthermore, the annual promotion/demotion dramas would generate acres of news coverage, as recipients spoke of their joy at being upgraded from one to two stars, or were placed on suicide watch having gone the other way.
As with the criteria for winning stars, the criteria for losing them would be made public. Both lists would include uniquely Irish characteristics. I don't want to prejudge the process. But I personally would favour the inclusion of "losing the run of yourself" as a category for star removal.
To guarantee exclusivity, only a handful of three-star awards would be made each year. Indeed, the majority of people recognised would get no stars at all, but rather something along the lines of Michelin's "Bib Gourmand", indicating that they had done something interesting on a low budget. This would reward the many people in Irish life who have the potential to achieve greatness, if only they didn't have such fun personalities.
While newspapers, whenever mentioning honorees, would be encouraged to put their number of stars in brackets after their names (where their ages normally go), the question of how to display the honour would otherwise be left up to recipients. Many might choose not to draw attention to it at all. But for the rest, the awards committee would produce (and sell) a range of accessories, including framed certificates, lapel badges, tie-pins, window displays and bumper stickers.
The Michelin system is essentially a form of French imperialism, applied to food. There is no reason we could not do something similar vis-à-vis the Irish diaspora. In many parts of the world, after all, Irish DNA enjoys a similar status to French cuisine. Possession of Irish roots would not be a prerequisite for the receipt of stars. On the contrary, depending of the level of a foreigner's celebrity, willingness to turn up at the award ceremony in Dublin might sometimes be sufficient to earn the honour.
But the Hibernian Stars would be particularly prized among those of Irish descent. I foresee a time when people such as Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would not even consider a run at the US presidency without a three-star award. Soon perhaps it would be the turn of other countries to fret about how many of their top citizens were being honoured by Ireland and to debate the need for a system of their own.
Inevitably, the star scheme would confer enormous power on those in charge of it. The judging panel would be subject to every form of blandishment - perhaps even outright bribery - from those anxious for recognition. In a way, the person entrusted to chair this august body would be receiving the greatest honour of all. But provided the right man is picked (see above), I'm confident he can handle it.