Newton's Optic: Newton Emerson reviews this week's airport security alerts. Readers wishing to take this article with them on their forward journey should arrive at the newsagents five hours before publication.
Rome
An aircraft makes an emergency landing after an anonymous note, believed to read "I'll kill you all", is found scrawled on an in-flight magazine. "This was highly suspicious," said an airline spokesman. "Normally, our in-flight magazine only makes you want to kill yourself."
Manchester
An "unauthorised liquid" alert is declared after a business-class passenger complains that his boiled egg is slightly runny. Fighter jets are scrambled.
Dublin
Serious delays expected after racial profiling software singles out everyone with a fake tan and a baby named "Jordan".
London
Police warn that BudgetAir boss Michael Budget may be plotting to bring down a home secretary.
Malaga
Scientists say that levels of body odour inside an aircraft cabin after passengers are delayed for more than two days could constitute a biological weapon.
Cairo
Three hundred passengers refuse to board a flight to Kuwait because they are all of Middle-Eastern appearance.
Heathrow
All flights are cancelled after experts claim that terrorists could smuggle small amounts of explosive hydrogen on board inside clear plastic bags. Passengers will now be banned from carrying liquids and gases.
Alabama
Immigration officers detain a man from India wearing a large turban after he denies being a Muslim. "He may have hidden something somewhere," said an airport spokesman. "He keeps shouting 'Seek!', 'Seek!'
Boston
International flights are diverted after a middle-aged woman suffers an attack of claustrophobia.
"Pilots will always go out of their way to avoid middle-aged women," confirmed an industry source.
Alaska
The US Air Force escorts a Korean Airlines jet into Anchorage after failing to spot the "e" in "Korean".
Los Angeles
Security staff arrest a British man on suspicion of using toothpaste.
Geneva
Physicists at the European Particle Accelerator say a nuclear device could be improvised in mid-air using house keys if terrorists bring enough keys onboard and the keys are made of uranium.
Houston
Pakistan Airlines confirms that ground staff are refusing to handle any bags marked "Islamabad".
Birmingham
Duty-free shops ordered to stop selling Camel cigarettes, Oasis CDs, Palmolive soap, Turkish Delight and Frank Herbert's 1965 science-fiction novel Dune.
Vienna
First-class lounge closed for removal of the ottomans.
Paris
A transatlantic flight turns back in mid-air after passengers hear a mobile phone ringing in an overhead luggage bin. The Department of Homeland Security says a crazy frog may have been responsible.
Washington
President Bush announces that the ban on books in the air will also apply to books on the ground.
New York
Richard Branson admits that due to the economic impact of increased security, it may no longer be appropriate to call an airline "Virgin".
Riyadh
Saudi Airways issues a prophet warning.
North Atlantic
An overheating laptop computer battery starts a fire in the cargo hold of a 747, causing the aircraft to explode. Safety experts say the laptop should have been stolen by baggage handlers before it was loaded.