A quiet pride pervades the Irish practice of grieving: “We do funerals well.” Funerals are accepted as a priority. Time is to be made to remember the dead and console the bereaved as they prepare their final goodbyes.
Few find it easy to be present or useful to those who mourn. And so, rites, rituals and common practices provide a space and a scaffold for grief. They can be as simple as sharing stories and providing food or they can be rich expressions of religious traditions.
Grieving is unique to each person. At the same time, common to everyone is the desire to make sense, in some way, of life without a loved one
Hospital Report
In east Clare, neighbours and friends gather to dig the deceased’s grave. Often, the “dressing of the grave” is finished off with moss and beautiful wildflowers. The coffin is lowered into a soft bed, as they lay their relative, friend or neighbour to rest. During the final prayers, with everyone present, they share the task of covering the grave, passing shovels from one to another.
It is a stark and moving ritual, culminating in neatly laid floral wreaths.
Funerals and associated practices have a vital role in the grieving process. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is best-known for outlining the five stages in the process of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
David Kessler was a young doctor when he collaborated with her. Recently, he returned to the five stages (Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, Scribner, 2019). Reflecting on his professional life in palliative care and his personal experience of the death of his 27-year-old son, he recognised a sixth stage.
He calls it “meaning”. Grieving is unique to each person. At the same time, common to everyone is the desire to make sense, in some way, of life without a loved one.
Key to this process is what he terms “witnessing”. It is the need for a space and a way to speak of the experience to someone else who is fully present to the magnitude of their loss. The griever in such moments is able to express in word and emotion their relationship with the person who has died.
By doing so, the connection is remade in a new way, allowing the griever to move on with their own life – or at least muddle on through for now.
Religious overtones
The term "witness" has religious overtones. It is not a term often used in the Irish Catholic tradition. Yet, the funeral and rituals that are commonly practised in Ireland during grief do provide a space and opportunity for witnessing to the stark reality of death.
The practice of covering of the grave in east Clare is a good example.
Some appreciated the experience of a small funeral. It was more intimate and personal
Throughout the country, traditional wakes make the loss very real, as neighbours and family gather to tell stories. New connections with the dead person are created as the bereaved get the opportunity to tell and retell what the dead person meant to them and others.
Religious belief and rites support and deepen this process, placing it within a wider horizon of hope.
In the Covid-19 pandemic, we discovered that all these activities came at a risk. From March 2020 onwards, public health measures were imposed to minimise the risk of virus transmission. Immediately, they had an impact on mourning families, and those who supported them, such as undertakers, clergy, neighbours and so on.
We faced a dilemma: how do we continue to do funerals well, without gathering, touching and sharing? Several practices had to be abandoned. Yet, creative solutions came to the fore, as people found ways to respond within the public health measures: socially distanced guards of honour, lining the roads of the final journey, notes of condolence, food left on doorsteps.
Many families missed the patterns of a traditional funeral. Yet, some appreciated the experience of a small funeral. It was more intimate and personal, with less of the social pressures associated with large gatherings.
New customs
Will the restrictions have a long-lasting impact? They may hasten change already occurring in a more urbanised and globalised Ireland. The practice of covering the grave in east Clare contrasts with the practice in the cities. New immigrant communities may bring new customs.
We are conducting research on these matters and would like to invite you to participate at maynoothcollege.ie.
Its purpose is to explore the lived experiences of funeral directors, ordained, lay, and religious ministers, and other people in local faith communities, and learn how the pandemic affected Catholic funerals from participants’ perspectives.
Our research intends to capture this moment and consider its consequences for bereavement, pastoral care and community life. If you would like to share your experience of a funeral during the pandemic, you can contact us through the website. The research continues until the end of November, the month of remembrance.
Long may we continue to do funerals well. But it may be in a different way.