NEWTON EMERSON NEWTON'S OPTICQUEEN ELIZABETH returned to Britain last night after her secret deployment to Ireland was sensationally revealed on the internet.
"One is simply glad to have served one's country," she said, in a statement released simultaneously to every newspaper in the world.
Her Majesty has often expressed a strong desire to see action in the Irish Republic but until now, this had always been ruled out on safety grounds.
"Ógra Sinn Féin might have got close enough to her to explode with pompous fury," Col Julian Sandhurst of Prince Edward's Own Rear Lancers explained.
An honourable compromise was finally reached when the British press agreed to roll over like a neutered corgi in return for exclusive footage of Her Royal Highness opening a Tesco in Balbriggan.
Although details of this operation were accidentally published by Australian Grocer Quarterly, the full story did not appear online for another 10 weeks because it is essentially rather dull indeed.
As Her Majesty's RAF Vickers Third-Viscount touched down in Windsor Great Park yesterday, several hundred hours of further high-quality footage was immediately supplied to all the loyal subjects of a ministry of defence media blackout order.
This included perfectly composed yet entirely spontaneous pictures of her majesty meeting the natives, holding talks with officials and formation hang-gliding off the Cliffs of Moher.
She also took part in a front-line engagement against President Mary McAleese, which can be especially dangerous for those of German descent.
"One just wants to be treated like any other visiting head of state," Her Majesty said, according to a quote inserted directly into this article by an unidentified remote computer.
Few of the dignitaries involved in the operation realised that the person they knew only by the call sign "HRH" was in fact Elizabeth, by the Grace of God, Queen of the United Kingdom and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth and DFender of the faith.
Some however may have suspected the truth when she asked them for their ground rent.
"She was just like one of the lads, except she was an 81-year- old woman," the entire staff of the British embassy said in unison yesterday.
"We're here to do a job and we're just getting on with the job," they all added promptly.
The royal deployment has drastically improved public perceptions of Elizabeth, who was previously best known for hanging around racecourses and has often been photographed in the company of a foul-mouthed former naval officer.
The deployment has also been a considerable publicity coup for Britain, drawing favourable headlines around the globe.
"Irish now less bitter than us," wrote the Boston Fenian.
"Begorrah, it's reigning!" wrote the New York Rupert.
"In Ireland, visit by British monarch proves positive," wrote the New York Times.
However, it is doubtful if the visit has made much difference to Britain's overall mission in Ireland. The Border is still not entirely secure and the poppy problem has tied up an entire British legion.
"The real victory for us was the unprecedented co-operation of the press," said Col Sandhurst.
"The discipline they have shown over this story has protected everyone who might have been put in harm's way by another story.
"Now, can I interest you in some intelligence on Iran?"