Not talking about sex creates a dangerous silence, a breeding ground for social dysfunction
LET’S FACE it: Irish people don’t like to talk about sex. I blame the Catholic Church. As someone who grew up in Rome and went to a Catholic school run by nuns, I know all too well how Christian religions instil a great sense of shame when it comes to our bodies and sex.
Natural curiosity makes children want to learn about their private parts but many embarrassed parents teach them very quickly that these are “bad” and even “dirty”. Even masturbation, a human being’s natural way to discover the pleasures of their body and express self-love, has been discouraged with old wives’ tales threatening hairy palms and the onset of blindness!
From the start we were conditioned to believe that only heterosexuality was acceptable and sex had to be between a man and a woman married to each other, and was meant for procreation purposes only. Any sexual activity outside these limitations was socially inadmissible and indeed shameful. Apart from sex and sexual orientation, religion also enforced specific gender norms. Is it any wonder that members of the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Queer community are yet to be viewed equally, not just in Ireland but globally?
However, Ireland has evolved and become more liberal. Couples cohabitate happily, divorce is no longer frowned upon, civil partnership for same-sex couples is a reality, with marriage equality only a short distance away, and the nuclear family is ever evolving.
Condoms are readily available, as are sex and fetish shops. But as a nation, are we really any better at talking about sex? The answer is most definitely not, because there are too many women in Ireland who have yet to have “unaided” orgasms with their partner. Why aren’t women able to articulate what they like and don’t like? It’s not that much easier for men, either, as on any night out most feel the need to be somewhat intoxicated before they approach a suitable partner. Why does dating and therefore sexual contact in Ireland depend so heavily on alcohol?
Is it because we need a social lubricant to power through our self-consciousness and discomfort around sex? Could this be a contributing factor to early pregnancies, the spread of STDs and our binge-drinking culture? As humans, having an active sexual life is good for us, as it benefits our mind, body and spirit.
Medical studies prove that having sex not only makes you live longer but helps you live life to the full and keep that spring in your step. Now, it’s important to note that the sex I am referring to is the consensual and legal kind, irrespective of whether it involves members of the opposite or same sex. However, despite knowing all the benefits, most of us still don’t have enough of it because we’re just too embarrassed and at some level still trapped by centuries-old dogma and conditioning.
So what if we don’t like talking about sex? Well, for starters it’s the key to a good sexual relationship. The initial lust and attraction will begin to weaken once familiarity sets in. Before you know it, sex becomes predictable and you begin to lose interest. Your inability to talk about spicing things up and trying something new in the bedroom could eventually drive you to look for gratification elsewhere.
Many turn to pornography, thus fuelling a dangerously run and exploitative industry which is generously feeding our global body image problems. As months turn to years the lack of sex will affect your mental health and self-esteem. Soon even pornography won’t suffice, as it can’t ever replace actual sexual contact. Some resort to unfaithfulness and may go to a prostitute or use an “escort” service.
The sex industry in Ireland is thriving, with mostly young migrant women working from apartments and brothels. Voluntary organisations, professional associations and groups throughout the country have come across cases of women and children being trafficked into the Irish sex trade who are under constant threat of abuse and violence.
Unsurprisingly, lack of sex is one of the biggest causes of marriage and relationship breakdown, resulting in even more mental health problems and, in some extreme cases, self-harm and suicide. Children are already affected by the separation process but may also inherit their parents’ unhealthy attitudes around sex. Thus creating yet another generation of sexual inadequacy – leading to early pregnancies, greater spread of STDs and more binge-drinking. Not talking about sex creates a dangerous silence, a breeding ground for social dysfunction, inequality and injustice.
Interestingly, the erotic novel 50 Shades of Grey is the fastest-selling paperback in Ireland. Could this be an indication that Irish women are longing to put their vanilla days behind them and engage in more adventurous and kinky sex?
The sooner we accept we are sexual beings, the sooner we will start talking about sex and experiencing sexual freedom in Ireland. If it makes you happy and is safe for all involved, then it’s no one’s business but yours what you do in your bedroom or dungeon! We should have the freedom to reclaim our sexual identity by enjoying our body and all its infinite pleasures!
Dil Wickremasinghe is a community worker with the LGBT community resource centre Outhouse, a broadcaster and stand-up comedian