Sir, - As I am almost 40 years old, it is unlikely that would view favourably any requests for toys which I might have this festive season. However, I would like to request some presents for the underprivileged management of Iarnrod Eireann. Could you please deliver to each of them a model railway?
If possible the station toilets should bear a permanent "Out Of Order" sign on the doors, and the model Portaloo (to be included in the set) should come complete with a miniature selection of urine-saturated cardboard boxes with which to cover the floor.
The ticket office should have at least eight vending points, with seven of them closed at all times.
The transformer should have a built-in delay mechanisms to ensure the late departure/arrival of all trains and a taped recording of a plethora of meaningless excuses and tired apologies should be included.
Finally, for additional realism, could you include some figures of the appropriate scale? Namely, a group of dishevelled and disinterested platform attendants, and a large mob of commuters, dressed neatly in a thin veneer of civilisation, which can be used to form a blockade at each and every train door, so as to prevent those already on the train from getting off.
If your own workshop at the North Pole is not tooled up for such a job perhaps you could sub-contract to another manufacturer. But please, please, try.
PS: Do you think I could have a car? Just a little one would do fine. - Yours, etc.,
David Kenny, Cherry Drive, Castleknock, Dublin 15.