NEWTON'S OPTIC:A bluffers' guide to the assurances that will accompany ratification
CONFUSED BY the Government’s proposed declaration of legally binding assurances to be attached to the instrument for ratification of the Lisbon Treaty? Then be confused no more with this handy question-and-answer guide to the issues that still apparently matter.
Q: So this document is Europe’s guarantee that it won’t mess with our Constitution?
A: No. This document is our guarantee that we’ve messed with Europe’s constitution, although it’s actually a treaty since France and Holland messed with it first.
Q: How will the assurances be guaranteed?
A: By having them passed into law by the parliaments of every other EU state.
Q: So Micheál Martin needs to get a Bill on our autonomy through Westminster before the Tories come back into power?
A: Quite possibly.
Q: Doesn’t that make him a bit like John Redmond?
A: I suppose.
Q: Has Fianna Fáil learned any lessons from Redmonite history?
A: Yes. Never leave anything in the Kitty.
Q: The first item in the document says that nothing in the EU Charter of Fundamental Rights “affects in any way” the Constitution of Ireland. So that’s that on issues like abortion?
A: Sure, until someone asks the European Court of Justice whether its charter is more fundamental than our Constitution.
Q: What happens then?
A: Go on, have a guess.
Q: The second item says that nothing in the Treaty of Lisbon “makes any change of any kind for any member state” in relation to taxation. So Europe won’t put up our taxes?
A: No. We’ll have to put taxes up all by ourselves.
Q: Can we trust the guarantee on maintaining our neutrality?
A: That’s fighting talk.
Q: And there’s no threat of military conscription?
A: We’ve done the John Redmond comparison already.
Q: What’s the point of this whole section on supporting jobs, growth and progress?
A: Pure padding. We can’t make this much fuss and just then resolve it all with a one-page list of one-line clarifications. We’d look like complete and utter eejits.
Q: And what about this “Solemn Declaration on Worker’s Rights and Social Policy”?
A: Would you prefer a Frivolous Declaration on Worker’s Rights and Social Policy?
Q: That wasn’t an answer.
A: That wasn’t a question.
Q: OK, there are phrases in here like “full employment”, “social justice” and “solidarity between generations”. Could that be a bit too solemn for certain member states?
A: You baby-eating monster.
Q: Look, I just wonder if 26 different democracies will rubber-stamp so much politically loaded language into law to get Ireland out of a hole.
A: That’s because you’re an element from the British media.
Q: Are you Charlie McCreevy?
A: That’s more fighting talk.
Q: At least explain then why in God’s name we’re asking every member state to “recognise and promote the role of the social partners at the level of the European Union”.
A: Because we’d sooner annoy an entire continent than annoy Siptu. You know, once we’ve got this stupid referendum out of the way, we’ve got a real election to win.