Patriotic Paddyland the last refuge of some scoundrels

Newton's Optic Regional Refugee Round-Up: Newton Emerson takes a brief look at some of the other infrastructure-related international…

Newton's Optic Regional Refugee Round-Up: Newton Emersontakes a brief look at some of the other infrastructure-related international incidents taking place around the country.

Galway:

Ukrainian orphans in tears beside the N17. Campaigners say they don't even have a hard shoulder to cry on.

Portlaoise M7 off-slip:

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Bolivians planting coffee on the roast filter lane.

Athlone bypass:

Polynesians spreading steadily east across the traffic islands.

Kinnegad:

Bulgarians camped on the M4 demanding hotel accommodation. Supporters say they have a central reservation.

N5 Castlebar to Westport:

Telegraph poles replaced with actual Poles.

Knock airport:

Brazilians on the landing strip. Air traffic control reports several close shaves.

Kilkenny:

Indian swami sitting cross-legged on top of the traffic lights in Parliament Street. Authorities say he must either stop or go.

Longford:

Kenyans demanding traditional hunting rights on zebra crossings.

South Dublin:

Colombians seen snorting the white lines on roads around Donnybrook. Locals commend them for their efforts to fit in.

North Dublin:

Nigerian internet cafes blocking the information superhighway.

Limerick Junction:

Algerians passed out on the railway line. Gardaí suspect a sleeper cell.

Naas:

French-Canadians demand dual nationality by pouring maple syrup on the dual-carriageway. Officials describe their protest as "waffle".

Listowel:

Congolese pygmies seize the mini-roundabout.

Cork:

Hopelessly lost Moroccan asylum seekers refusing to leave the Jack Lynch Tunnel until somebody tells them which end is in Dover.

Cliffs of Moher:

Australians transported from Botany Bay to a parking bay.

Bray Station:

English stag party pointing at the Dart and shouting "One hundred and eighty!" Armed response in progress.

Tallaght:

Confused Russian prostitutes congregating at the Park & Ride.

Dún Laoghaire:

Bangladeshi families say Quality Bus Corridor is "not so quality" after living on it for a year.

Waterville:

Muslim women objecting to uncovered hair-pin bends on the N70.

N24 Cahir to Clonmel:

Iranian cleric demanding Persian cat's eyes.

Enniscorthy:

Fed-up Filipino cleaners with medical degrees threatening to give the N11 some "bypass surgery". But proctologists in the group say they'd prefer a ring road.

M8 at Fermoy:

A Nicaraguan Contra-flow is in operation.

N54 outside Monaghan:

Drivers are advised to check all potholes for Jamaicans. If in doubt, pull on to the grass verge.

Stillorgan:

There are concerns about the number of people from Laos on the Luas.

Cork Marina:

Chinese man claiming ownership of the river Lee. Witnesses say he barged in and changed the locks.

Hill of Tara:

Small group of unknown origin blocking M3 construction. Social workers deeply concerned by the squalor of their camp and the appalling state of their hygiene.

Dundalk:

One million British citizens lurking at the end of the M1 demanding money to paint over loyalist murals. Request granted.