Newton's optic: In which Newton Emerson considers the enduring allure of the pyramids . . .
Since its launch last year, several thousand people times eight times eight to the power of infinity have invested €10,000 each in the so-called "Saoirse" fund. Much of the cash has been sent to Germany, possibly due to a misunderstanding of the phrase "easy marks".
To work, pyramid schemes require every participant to believe that everyone they know is even dumber than they are. Because this is perfectly normal in Cork, the county is unusually vulnerable to their appeal. Ultimately, all pyramid schemes also require the population to grow exponentially forever. Unfortunately, this seems like a perfectly reasonable expectation in parts of Cork as well.
Pyramid marketing spokeswoman Dee Nile says that "Saoirse" is entirely legal and that everyone will get their money back plus an 800 per cent return, divided by infinity, as long as the authorities do not interfere.
"An Bord Pleanála must take much of the blame for the current issue of investor confidence," said Ms Nile yesterday. "Planning restrictions on one-off housing in the countryside mean that west Cork may not be able to sustain a rural population of 600 billion by next Tuesday."
In a more sinister development, children have also been drawn into the scheme through syndicates set up in secondary schools. However, Ms Nile denied that "Saoirse" is operating irresponsibly.
"We make the need for parental consent quite clear to our younger investors. Before entering a pyramid scheme, you should always ask your mummy."
Meanwhile, business leaders are increasingly worried by the effect upon certain types of consumer as "Saoirse" drains money out of the local economy. Sales of quad bikes, sun beds and UPVC conservatories have already fallen by 500 per cent.
"I haven't sold a bottle of Kahlua in weeks," reported one distraught off-licence owner yesterday.
Politicians have also expressed concern about the pyramid scheme. "If you want a wheelie-bin full of cash for nothing, then rob a bank like any normal person," said SF councillor Ferris Ó Phar Ó.
"Of course west Cork can support a rural population of 600 billion by next Tuesday," said Fianna Fáil councillor Bertie Ahernhotep III.
"Dee Nile is the Hermann Göring of personal finance," said PD councillor Michael McDhow. The councillor has since explained that this remark referred only to Hermann Göring's tenure as German economics minister, rather than his time in command of the Luftwaffe.
Local hoteliers now say they will no longer accept bookings from companies promoting pyramid schemes, unless every guest sub-lets their room to eight other guests who sub-let it to eight other guests until 600 billion people show up for breakfast.
Gardaí have expressed alarm over several recent incidents of threatening behaviour by disappointed investors. "The potential for trouble is infinite, times eight," warned an inspector.
In 1997 a pyramid scheme drew in half the adult population of Albania, causing the entire economy to collapse and wiping out a full six months of gross domestic product. The resulting civil disorder eventually claimed over 2,000 lives. However, Ms Nile believes that there is no danger of this happening in Ireland.
"The two situations are completely different," she explained. "Enver Hoxha's Stalinist regime deliberately denied Albanians an education. These people from Cork are just thick."