MAGPIE:SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known. The new element, governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, according to the team of research scientists in Budapest, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, governmentium becomes administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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A VISITOR to a hospital in Italy went straight to casualty after he bit into a canteen sandwich – with a dead lizard inside it. Medics gave Giuseppe Ferri the all clear at Maceretta hospital, in central Italy, but have launched an investigation into the snack horror.
“I bit into what was supposed to be a cheese and tomato sandwich and was surprised when I tasted something a bit meaty and chewy. I looked down and saw a lizard tail sticking out of the side of the sandwich,” said Ferri.
“I opened it up and saw the dead animal and nearly passed out. It was so disgusting I felt sick. The doctors said I am in no danger and no harm will come to me but I think it is outrageous that this has happened in a hospital, where standards of hygiene and on things like this should be extra high.”
Try here, Giuseppe. Lizards run our hospitals . . .
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BANSKY, THE guerrilla graffiti artist, has reportedly created his first ever self-portrait. The notoriously secretive Bansky has previously gone to great lengths to hide his identity but his latest street mural, on the side of an office building in Shoreditch, East London, may finally have given the game away.
It shows one of Banksy’s trademark necklace-wearing rats holding a placard showing what is believed to be the artist’s own face. The artist’s anonymity gained him notoriety and he became one of the art world’s biggest names with his works selling at auction for up to £250,000 to the likes of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Jude Law and Christina Aguilera.
Last summer, it was claimed that Banksy was Robin Gunningham, a 34-year-old Bristol-born former public schoolboy.
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A KENYAN man is suing the organisers of a politically motivated sex ban for causing him “anxiety and sleepless nights”. James Kimondo is seeking damages for the ban which was called by women’s groups in a bid to force political leaders to put their rivalries aside.
“Since the women called for the sex boycott, my wife has denied me my conjugal rights. This has caused me anxiety and sleepless nights,” said Kimondo. “I have been suffering mental anguish, stress, back aches, lack of concentration.”
The leaders of the G10, a coalition of Kenyan women’s groups, argued that the country’s male leaders should not have time for matters of the flesh when the country is ensnared in economic and political turmoil.
The strike ended on Wednesday with the organisers claiming it had been a success.
It was unclear last night whether Kimondo’s action would proceed.