IT'S GOOD to know that the timeless message of Christmas is not lost, despite sometimes overzealous efforts to "modernise" it. Take, for instance, the pupils of Oakwood, a mixed day school in Kent, England, for 51 pupils aged 11 to 16 who have social, emotional and behavioural difficulties. A drama class pondered the following Chav treatment of the nativity, during which the Jesus character turned water into lager and the three wise men bore gifts of Adidas and Burberry clothes . . .
It went something, sorry, sumfink, like this:
Pupil one: Do you hear what we 'erd, right, there's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin.
Pupil two: Wossat then? A train?
Pupil three: She's not married or nuffink. But she's got this boyfriend Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib down Nazaref. Well anyways, one day, right, Mary meets this bloke Gabriel, right?
Pupil two: Gabriel? What sorta name's that den?
Pupil one: Dunno, sounds Chavvy to me.
Pupil two: Innit! Bruv.
Pupil three: She's like, 'Ooo ya looking at?' Gabriel just goes: 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally gobsmacked.
Pupil two: Innit?
Pupil one: She gives it to him large: 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'
Pupil two: Yeah right! Bet she was a right goer.
Pupil three: Well, see the thing is she hadn't bin wiv no one. Honest! So Mary goes and sees her cousing Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi Breezers an' that. She's like, 'Orright, Mary. I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed.'
Pupil two: Think of all the extra benefits an' that that they are gonna get. Mary goes, 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'.
Pupil one: Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponce a donkey an' go dahn Beflehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?
Pupil two: No surprised, I'd wanna pint an all.
Pupil one: Nah, to have her bay-bee an' that.
Pupil two: What, have the kid in the pub? That's outers, people in the pub having a quiet pint then in comes this bird screaming an' hollering an' stuff. Put me off me drink that would!
Pupil three: Shut up will ya! See the fing is there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Pupil two: Oh that's gross, near turned my guts that 'as!
Pupil three: Well then, these free geezers turn up, looking proper bling wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like, 'Respect, baby-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.
Pupil two: What, Minty and the Mitchell brothers?
Pupil one: Oh shut up! Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'
Pupil two: On yeah, that's proper stuff to give to a kid.
Pupil three: Well. Then blow me, some Welsh blokes turn up wiv a sheep, well it's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
Pupil two: Shoulda used his mobile, he sounds a proper nutter.
Pupil three: Shut it! Anyways he's like, 'The police is comin an' they're killin' all the baby-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.'
Pupil one: Joe goes: 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' down Egypt on a minging donkey.'
Pupil two: Wouldn't get me on no minging donkey. Went on one at Margate in the summer, it proper stunk.
Pupil one: Will you give it a rest? Gabriel sez, 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your lookout if you stay.' So they go down Egypt till they've stopped killin' the first-born an' it's safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.
Pupil two: Wicked! Wherdya hear about all this, den?
Pupil one: Dunno, can't remember.
Pupil two: Well what yous getting for Christmas this year?
Pupil three: Dunno, perhaps a bita bling. I don't see wat all the fuss is about Christmas, it's just an excuse to get stuffed and fall asleep in front of the telly innit?
Pupil two: Yeah bruv. Innit?
* * *
A housing association in Bristol, England, has sent out 650 Jingle Bells Christmas cards threatening tenants with eviction. The card reads: "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, please make sure you pay your rent so in your home you'll stay."
It adds: "We want you to enjoy the festive period, but even more than this we want you to continue to enjoy your home. Please make sure payments are kept up to date. Wishing you a merry Christmas and a happy new year."
* * *
Bushism of the week (two actually as last week's was chopped for space reasons): "I think we agree, the past is over." - May 10th, 2000; "I understand small business growth. I was one." - February 19th, 2000.
And a competing offering from our own Labour Party in a statement issued on Tuesday last: "Sherlock calls for full transparency in water."
Well that's clear, eh?