Newton's Optic: Pope Benedict's and Queen Elizabeth's visit may not give Ulster a chance to say 'Yes', writes Newton Emerson
Officials at the Northern Ireland Office have just released the itinerary for next year's joint visit by Pope Benedict XVI and Queen Elizabeth II.
It is hoped that the historic occasion will reconcile both communities in the North by forcing them to stand together in an enormous crowd while staring at a large video screen half a mile away.
His Holiness and Her Majesty, or Her Majesty and His Holiness where appropriate, will arrive in Belfast separately. This should allow people to prepare for the shock of seeing them together on a large screen half a mile away.
The Pope will touch down at Aldergrove International Airport, reflecting the worldwide fraternity of the Catholic faith.
The Queen will touch down at George Best City Airport, reflecting Prince Philip's need for a stiff drink. His Holiness will proceed north to Ballymena where he will find some "No Pope Here" graffiti and stand in front of the "No".
He may also visit a local integrated school to warn the Catholic children that they are going straight to hell.
Her Majesty will proceed south to Newry where she will cut a ribbon on the border and attempt to break the world walkabout speed record.
She may also avail of her tax-exempt status by purchasing a quantity of red diesel. Both dignitaries will then travel to Belfast for an ecumenical service at St Anne's Cathedral.
Her Majesty will begin the proceedings by admitting that Anglicans are basically Catholic. This will be relayed by loudspeaker to a Presbyterian sit-down protest in the car park.
His Holiness will then offer the sacraments, muttering "Just kidding" after "Body of Christ". Having resolved Northern Ireland's religious differences, both dignitaries will be flown to Stormont by RAF rescue helicopter where First Minister Ian Paisley and Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness will greet them on the grand staircase.
Secretary of State Peter Hain will make a joke about how it takes a lot of steps to get everyone together in Northern Ireland, causing Prince Philip to say something much more amusing but far less repeatable.
The Pope and the Queen will then be escorted into the Assembly chamber where they will designate themselves as nationalist and unionist respectively, in accordance with the Northern Ireland Act 1998, before simultaneously declaring their halves of parliament open.
Following the designation ceremony, His Holiness may ask the speaker for absolution. However, he may not ask Martin McGuinness for confession.
The d'Hondt mechanism will then be run over a corgi, unless Peter Hain is still available.
Officials concede that this part of the itinerary still needs some sequencing.
Finally, the Pope and the Queen will proceed to central Belfast by armoured car where they will appear before the public in front of City Hall.
As the people of Northern Ireland look on they will embrace each other in a passionate kiss, their mature yet surprisingly supple bodies yielding to the irresistible force of cross-community co-operation.
An angled mirror above the podium will reverse their apparent positions at random so that nobody in the crowd knows which one to shoot. Last night, politicians from both sides of the sectarian divide were united in their reaction to the proposal.
"This nonsense has Dublin written all over it," said Sinn Féin.
"Will the Brits ever learn?" asked the DUP.