Dalisay says she’s in the pool.
I’m like, “The pool?”
“Yes,” she goes. “Your mother likes to swim every morning. Would you like to see her?”
I’m there, “In a way, no? But I suppose that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? So I suppose – yeah, no – lead the way.”
‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
I walk with her from the old dear’s private ward to the actual gym.
I’m there, “So where are you from, Dalisay?”
And she’s like, “The Philippines.”
I’ve never heard of it. It’s possible she’s making it up. I must see if there’s a map of the actual world on the internet – we’re talking, like, all of it? – just to study it once and for all.
I’m there, “And where do you tend to do your socialising?” because I’ve always had a big thing for nurses.
She’s like, “I don’t have time to socialise.”
I’m there, “That’s a real pity. Maybe some night, once the Six Nations is over–”
“Here we are,” she goes and – yeah, no – I suddenly have the whiff of chlorine in my nostrils.
The old dear sees me before I see her?
She goes, “Watch him, Dalisay! He’ll try to have sex with you! He tries to have sex with every woman! He’s insatiable!”
Dalisay’s there, “She’s not having one of her better days.”
I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time
And I’m like, “No, that’s how she talks about me all the time.”
I walk out on to the pool deck. The old dear is in the deep end, treading water.
I’m like, “Hey, how the hell are you?”
She goes, “I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?”
I’m like, “In? In where?”
“Into the water!” she goes.
I’m there, “I can’t swim. You know I can’t swim.”
“Do I?”
“Er, yeah? When have you ever seen me swim?”
“When we were in Portugal – surely!”
“No, you used to lie on a sun lounger and send me in and out of the aportment to mix cocktails for you.”
“Well, get in now. If you can learn to make the perfect Dirty Mortini at – how old were you?”
“Six.”
“ – then you can learn to swim at, well, whatever age you are now.”
I’m like, “I’m not here to learn how to swim. I’m here to ask you a question. I want to know if you meant what you said.”
She goes, “Ross, I don’t know what I’m saying half the time.”
I’m there, “You said that you had another kid. Before you met my old man.”
She goes, “Just get in the water. I can’t talk to you while you’re standing above me like that. Look, I’ll swim to where it’s shallower. You take your clothes off.”
I’m there, “But I’ve no actual swimming togs with me.”
She’s like, “Oh, you’re a prude now, are you? How many times have I walked in on you while you were going at yourself?”
I’m there, “The whole boundaries thing was a conversation we never had, wasn’t it?” as I stort unbuttoning my shirt. “Actually, turn around, will you?”
I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time.
I sit on the edge of the pool, then I sort of, like, slide my orse off it into the water. It’s warm and I suddenly feel it lapping around my neck and shoulders.
I’m there, “Right, I’m in. Now are you going to tell me?”
“No,” she goes, “I’m going to teach you how to swim!”
I’m like, “I don’t want to know how to swim. I just need to know if what you said was true.”
She goes, “Hold my hands.”
I’m like. “Seriously?”
She grabs a hold of them.
“Now,” she goes, “I’m going to count to three and then I want you to stort kicking your legs, okay?”
I’m there, “I don’t know about this.”
She’s like, ‘Don’t talk while you’re swimming, Ross. You’ll swallow half the pool. Right, now I’m going to let go of your hands'
She goes, “Do you trust me?”
I’m like, “Absolutely not. Never have, never will.”
She goes, “One ... two ... THREE!”
And then she tugs violently on my famous guns. I end up falling forward and losing the old footing.
She’s like, “Kick your legs, Ross! Kick them! Kick them!”
Which is what I end up doing, while she walks backwards, pulling me through the water.
“That’s it!” she goes. “Kick horder! Kick horder!”
I can feel myself sort of, like, rising up in the water.
She goes, “That’s it! Look at you!”
I’m there, “Okay, now tell me,” as my mouth fills up with water. “Do I have a brother or a sister out th–”
She’s like, “Don’t talk while you’re swimming, Ross. You’ll swallow half the pool. Right, now I’m going to let go of your hands–”
I’m there, “No!”
She goes, “ – and I want you to use those big, strong orms of yours to power yourself through the water.”
I’m like, “Don’t let go of me.”
Except it’s too late. She already has. And suddenly I’m thrashing at the water with – like she said, in fairness to me – my big, strong orms and I can hear her going, “You’re swimming, Ross! You’re swimming!”
Except I’m not? I can suddenly feel myself sinking to the bottom and my nostrils filling with water and I’m storting to panic now, convinced that I’m going to, like, drown?
All of a sudden, I feel two hands grabbing at me and a few seconds later I’m pulled to the surface, then I’m lying on my back and I’m being dragged backwards through the water towards the edge of the pool.
“Breathe!” a voice says. “You must breathe!”
I open my eyes and it ends up being Dalisay. She’s still in her nurse’s outfit, which is soaking wet, which ordinarily would be a major turn-on for me, but I’m trying to take in huge gulps of air to, like, stay alive.
She’s like, “Visitors are not allowed in the pool.”
The old dear goes, “I just remembered why he couldn’t swim. His body isn’t buoyant for some strange reason.”
At this point, she’s out of the pool and she’s, like, towelling herself off.
I’m there, “You told me to get in! The only reason I came here was–”
And she goes, “It was a little boy, Ross. You’ll have to speak to Conor, my former lover. He knows where to find him.”
