Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

Fallout: Bosnia gives response

When Manchester City's Roberto Mancini had his falling out with Edin Dzeko a while back, reports did the rounds that he had told Dzeko to "**** off back to Bosnia". True or not, it didn't, you can imagine, go down well in Bosnia, to the point where last week, according to the Daily Mirror, the headline in the country's leading sports paper Sports Centar read: "From The Heart of Bosnia: Roberto Mancini **** Off!" Now, that's what you call an eye-catching headline.

Not making the cut: Former agent gets down and dirty on Twitter

Peter Harrison used to represent Andy Carroll but somewhere along the way he became his former agent, failing to get a cut from the player's mega-money transfer from Newcastle to Liverpool. Declared bankrupt last December, he was relying on getting a couple of million out of the deal to help him pay off his debts, but an English FA arbitration hearing rejected his claim.

And with that up popped a chap calling himself Peter Harrison on Twitter (_at_agentH058). "I have been a football agent for almost 20 years," he says, "I have now left the game and I have a big story to tell . . ."

If it's not the real Peter Harrison, then the "impostor" appears to know a great deal about his business, and isn't shy about expressing rather forthright views on two of Harrison's least favourite people on planet earth: Carroll and West Ham manager Sam Allardyce, with whom he fell out, quite spectacularly, after Allardyce took him to court over money he had lent him but didn't, initially, get paid back.

So, a selection of his tweets on Allardyce, whose efforts at West Ham Harrison is not quite applauding: "West Ham to play with there shirts on back to front next week to make it look like they are attacking, new tactic by the messiah"; "Heard Rob Greene ask for 5 in the wall until Carlton Cole told him to relax that it was only the kick off; "Which WHUFC midfielder is slow and on £42,000 a week and shares the same agent as the manager? Pinching money!!"

And a selection of his tweets on Carroll, ahead of his return with Liverpool to Newcastle yesterday: "Andy Carroll left NUFC for money and hates the Toon, I know, believe me, give him a true Geordie welcome"; "AC is marked that tight now he has his arms up more times than a Japanese prisoner of war complaining so much. Useless. Two left feet"; "Grass greener on the other side springs to mind, boo hoo want to come home. Wanka"; "Is AC worth more than a 12-year-old Vauxhall Vectra . . . ?"

And they're only some of the printable ones. Hell hath no fury like an agent scorned?

All works out for Arshavin: Car accident bears fruit

"The accident occurred near the Ozerki metro station. I'm all right, no one was hurt. What struck me is that the driver of a passing streetcar gave me a grapefruit."

– Andrei Arshavin confirming he was grand after a minor car accident, his recovery no doubt aided by that grapefruit.

"Am I as strong as him? It's not up to me to say."

– Zlatan Ibrahimovic not completely dismissing the notion that he's as good as Lionel Messi. Seriously.

"To be honest, I can't see with it on. I give the ball away because I can't see sometimes . . . if you see a run, your eye then disappears in the mask and you can't see where you are running."

– Sunderland's Nicklas Bendtner on his difficulties with his now discarded face mask. Oddly enough, he scored three goals in five games when he was wearing it.

"Why does he wear it then? It must be the logos and the Danish flags, or the number of women he'd liked to have been out with. We'll take him to Cheltenham next year."

– Martin O'Neill on his striker.

Sexy football: Schalke fans vent fury at Spanish prices

"€90 for tickets = €1 per minute. Football is not telephone sex"

– As produced by Schalke fans at their Europa League game against Athletic Bilbao, in protest at the Spanish club's comically high ticket prices.

Hanging on the telephone: Business is slow for Southall

You might have read recently about former Everton and Wales goalkeeper Neville Southall setting up a football consultancy business, his "Ask Neville Southall" website detailing the services he's offering.

"I have spent years making myself available to professional and amateur goalkeepers alike, giving advice on how to improve their game, giving them the benefit of my long career as a professional footballer. Helping people is truly something that I love doing, but the reality is that my time is precious and my knowledge is valuable."

Southall offers either a £49 email consultation, where he promises to get back to you within three days, or if you can't wait that long, a one-hour phone consultation for £99 where you can pick his brain. (Honest, that £99 isn't a misprint).

So, how's Neville's business going? "I've not had a call yet," he told the Daily Mirror.

"If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. The trouble with this country is people don't like paying for anything. If they don't phone, fine, that is up to them."

It brings a whole new meaning to "call waiting". And, you fear, it'll be a long wait.

Safe shelter : Ukrainians get in the mood at the bus stop

Bus stop of the week: This one – in Donetsk, Ukraine – which doubles as a goal, all part of the preparations for Euro 2012. Mind you, you wouldn't want to be sitting on one of those seats when someone tries to score from across the street with a thunderous free-kick.

Helping hands: Fans give Magdeburg a right good pointer

Cruellest but most amusing supporters of the month? Take a bow, faithful followers of German regional club Magdeburg.

Let's just say, their season hasn't been going too well, the team sitting bottom of the table, their chief difficulty finding the back of the net.

So, their supporters decided to help them out during their game against BAK '07, very kindly bringing giant green and yellow arrows to the match and pointing them in the direction of the goal. "We will show you where the goal is," read their banner.

Well, it worked. Magdeburg followed the arrows and scored their first goal in five games.

Granted, BAK scored twice, but still.

That's Krul: Tim's lesson

"I would never say never, that is all I can say. Stranger things have happened. Carlos Tevez played for Manchester City on Saturday."

– Mick McCarthy not entirely ruling out a return to Wolves – it's a funny old game, after all.

"When I first came to England I was always waving my arms about. Eventually one day they tied my wrists by sticking together the Velcro from the straps on left and right gloves. You get the message after something as extreme as that."

– Newcastle goalkeeper Tim Krul on how Shay Given and Steve Harper helped him, in a rather unique way, improve his game.

"I don't find jokes funny. I get all these emails and texts and stuff but they very rarely even make me smile. I just delete them."

– Didi Hamman? Cheer up.