A soccer miscellany compiled by
MARY HANNIGAN
Do as he tweets not as he does: Barton's behaviour
Joey Barton made quite a name for himself on Twitter this summer, not least with his running commentary on the riots in England – eg: “Water cannon, nice! Always makes good TV. Hope all u robbing little ferrets are out tonight, u will get dismantled.”
“Great shout for National Service to be brought back for unemployed school drop outs, no more free rides. #lazybarstewards”
“If this was nipped in the bud in London, with plenty of beatings for these knobheads it wouldn’t be happening elsewhere. #bringbackthebirch”
“So sad to see this happening in our country, what chance have we got, if this generation dont give 2 hoots? What chance for their offspring?”
That’s the same Joey who was sentenced to six months imprisonment for common assault and affray (for punching a man 20 times in the head ), given a four months suspended sentence after admitting assault occasioning actual bodily harm on former team-mate Ousmane Dabo and memorably stubbed out a cigar in a team-mate’s eye at a Christmas party. #Cripes, what chance for Joey’s offspring?
No blazers for old men: Redknapp's despair over youth fashion
“I can’t understand what the hell they get out of it. I think it’s a bit of an ego thing to see who can have the most followers.
“As for telling you I’ve just had my Weetabix is, for me, farcical stuff. Maybe they have too much time on their hands.” – Don’t be expecting Steve Bruce to appear on Twitter any time soon.
“He’s a ginger – but he’s a real ginger.” – Fulham manager Martin Jol introducing a slightly bemused Marcel Gecov to the press.
“Judging by the pre-planned squeals the media monkeys are making, Hearts has hit the point with the move . . . I now understand why Scotland is in 61st place in Fifa rankings behind such poor football countries like Lithuania, Albania and Gabon.” – Hearts owner Vladimir Romanov explaining why he sacked manager Jim Jefferies, as only Vladimir Romanov can.
“When I was aged 12 or 13, boys would meet their football manager dressed in a blazer or at least a pair of trousers.
“Now some of them turn up to see me wearing a pair of jeans with their arse hanging out. They just don’t care.” – Yoof culture leaves Harry Redknapp in despair.
“There’s too much . . . I don’t know what the word is . . . ‘scientology’ in the game.” – David Pleat, as heard by the Daily Mirror. Controversial.
ROONEY’S BALD TRUTH
Spare a thought for the people at Electronic Arts. While football fans the world over were busy celebrating the success of Wayne Rooney’s hair transplant during the summer, the EA folk had to go back to their computer drawing board. And a handsome job they did too: divil a sign of Rooney’s bald patch in the latest version of their Fifa game.
Marko's morto: His perfect woman is a real natural
Tim Wiese isn’t the only Werder Bremen player with a fondness for tattoos.
Marko Arnautovic gave an interview this summer to a magazine in his native Austria where he described his perfect woman: “You must be tattooed. And have black hair and silicone breasts.
“If the poor lad had only added “must be a good conversationalist, have a pleasant sense of humour, love animals and appreciate nature” he’d have been fine, but he suffered a fair old bit of ridicule when the interview was published.
He wasn’t taking it lying down, though, posting this statement on his website: “In recent days, several German newspapers articles from Austria spread quotes which are falsehoods about Marko Arnautovic’s life.
“Arnautovic would like to take this opportunity to distance themselves from the messages and point out that these are far from any truth.
”At which point the magazine released the tape of the interview . . . “You must be tattooed. And have black hair and silicone breasts.”
Marko? Morto.
Galactic descriptions: No wonder LA want Robbie
NEW York Cosmos provided the opposition for Manchester United in Paul Scholes' testimonial at Old Trafford last month, the club sending a squad made up of its own players and several "world class" guests.
The pen pics for the "roster" on the club's website were, it has to be said, quite generous, eg: "Gary Neville is the greatest British full-back of all-time and the finest defender to ever play in the English Premier League."
"Brad Friedel is the greatest North American goalkeeper of all-time and an American soccer icon."
"Brian McBride is the finest out-and-out striker that the United States has ever produced. His hard work and determination made him a legend at Premier League club Fulham."
Chad Calderone, though, might have hoped for a more gushing tribute than: "He is one of the best goalkeepers in New York City."
It was Robbie Keane's profile that really caught the eye: He "is the all-time international goal scoring record holder for the UK and Ireland".
Is it any wonder LA Galaxy are chasing him?
Wiese's love for true Grit: Werder goalkeeper wears his heart on his sleeve
IT was only last year that Grit Freiberg confessed to German paper Bild that there was one thing she didn't like about her partner, Werder Bremen goalkeeper Tim Wiese: his tattoos. "He simply went off in secret," she said of the latest additions to his collection.
"Birds, stars, flowers next to the name of our daughter. Help, that won't go away even in 100 laser treatments." So, quite how Grit reacted to Tim's newest tattoo we don't know: his left arm, from the elbow to his wrist, now features a naked woman, with 'Love never dies' etched beneath. The good news is that the naked woman is actually Grit herself – True Grit, if you like. (We found a photo of the creation on the Bild site, under a feature entitled 'Die Tattoos der Fussball-Stars' – for those not fluent in German, that's 'The tattoos of football stars').
We're guessing here that every time Tim makes a save this season with an outstretched left arm, German TV will replay it on a loop.
Right-armed saves? Not really.
All you can hope is that Grit's reaction to her nakedness being displayed in this manner isn't negative, in a 'this relationship is over' kind of way. If it is at an end and Tim finds a new love one day, he'll never be able to wear short sleeves again.
He really should have followed Lionel Messi's example. This summer he was snapped sporting a new tattoo of a woman on his back. Who is she? His mother. While partners can come and go, a mother is for life. No flies on Lionel.
PS Good news for Grit – Tim won't be able to get any more tattoos until next summer after his manager Klaus Allofs banned 'in-season' tattooing. "I do not want to dramatize the danger, but that is a risk that we simply have to exclude", he said, referring to HSV's Eljero Elia mishap last season when he picked up a tattoo-related infection that was so painful he had trouble putting on his kit.
Over consequences
THE Daily Mirror'sOliver Holt tweets before QPR's game against Bolton on Saturday: "Dyer starting for QPR. Could be one of the season's best acquisitions if he stays fit."
Seven minutes in to the game: Dyer is stretchered off.
Wenger: Grave ambitions
"We are all replaceable. All the cemeteries are full of replaceable people." – An upbeat Arsene Wenger looks ahead to life after Cesc Fabregas and Samir Nasri.
"I am still a young player, but I have the ambition to become the best player in the world . . . my biggest secret is perhaps my humility." – Alexis Sanchez modestly introduces himself to his new club, Barcelona.
"If you want a Savile Row suit, you pay Savile Row prices, but you can still put a suit on your back from Tesco. There are limits and it would be unfair to expect the Tesco man to look as good as the Savile Row man." – Roy Hodgson implying that shopping for Liverpool one summer and West Brom the next is a riches to rags story.
"Frankly, I'm not quite happy with my knowledge of English . . . Not long ago we went to the premiere of Harry Potter and at some point I felt quite uncomfortable when the audience broke out in laughter and you sit there turning your head from side to side." – Andrei Arshavin. (Maybe Harry suggested Andrei could fill the void left by Cesc?)
"John Guidetti is a typical English striker. Even though he's Swedish." – Gareth Barry on his Swedland team-mate at City.
