Any chance of an auld medal, Ireland? Ah go on, go on, go on. Yes, it's lovely to be there and it's lovely to be part of the Olympic experience and it's lovely to be meeting people from all sorts of countries and all kinds of backgrounds and it's lovely to do your best and it's lovely for Irish-Australians to get a chance to sing the Fields of Athenry in front of an estimated worldwide television audience of 500 zillion, but it would be lovelier still if we could win an auld medal.
Getting frustrated now? So is Bill O'Herlihy. Keen-eyed observation: the further back he sits in his chair the more frustrated he is with our performances so far. Around Opening Ceremony time he was sitting bolt upright at his desk, wide-eyed with expectation, so optimistic was he about our week one canoeing/rowing/horsey hopes, but right now he's slumped, head almost dangling over the back of his chair and feet very nearly up on the table. Fed up. Browned off. Put out.
I'll tell you how bad it's got: two Olympic evenings ago Tracy Piggott invited him to spend the night with her when she took over from him for the midnight-to-seven-in-the-morning shift but he turned down the offer and went home. A broken man. Last heard singing "All we are saying, is give us a medal (any shade will do)" in the back of his Montrose hackney cab.
Like the rest of us, Bill needs to take his not-as-much-as-a-sniff-of-a-medal-so-far frustration out on someone, so who better to pick on than the expert analysts? Thus, Sam Lynch is entirely to blame for our rowers' struggles so far; Gary O'Toole should be hung, drawn and quartered for our swimmers' mishaps; Mick Dowling should get "life meaning life" for Michael Roche's first-round boxing exit and John Hall? Well, he should be posted to Van Diemen's Land in a Jiffy bag after our equestrian team only finished fifth.
Don't shoot the messenger," they might all plead, but not good enough. We didn't sit up till five in the morning to see blankety blank finish last in their blankety blank heat, did we? Having been promised that blankety blank would at least beat his/her/their personal blankety blank best.
Actually, John Hall should be exempt from our even-Kyrgyzstan-have-won-a-bronze-so-far exasperation. He, heroically, managed to dampen Bill's buoyant belief that we'd win a horsey medal by explaining, in so many words, that Irish four-legged creatures aren't the best at that dressage lark because they're wild, undisciplined, rowdy and wilful (much like their two-legged Irish male counterparts, you might say).
Of course our chances of success are somewhat restricted by how few events we've entered/qualified for. In Dublin, for example, if you take a walk along any street at pub-closing time (around 4.36 in the morning) you'll see carry-on that we term "scrapping", "brawling" or "part of the overall increase in crime". In other countries they call it "judo" and they send their finest exponents of it to the Olympic Games and win medals for their troubles - we have no one in judo. So why don't we give the Gardai a few extra bob to act as judo talent spotters and select those who spend most time in the cells at Pearse Street of a Friday night for the Olympics to win us medals?
Handball. That's another one. It's not, of course, the Duxie Walsh brand of handball, but some allege that most modern Gaelic football teams play a type of football that is not a whole lot dissimilar to Olympic-style handball (aka the "hand-pass"). Some even claim that our Gaelic footballing lads would, at the very least, bag themselves a bronze in Olympic basketball. Maybe. But that's all for the future - for now, would someone of Irish extraction please win us a medal because Bill's about to topple over and all we'll see then are his feet. (NB, if they're size 17, enter him in the swimming for the 2004 Games).
Anyway, enough of our problems, we don't want to be parochial. Did you see the Irish umpire in the hockey? Ray O'Connor? Played a blinder, best man on the pitch. It's so lonely 'round the Fields of Athenry. Speaking of hockey and problems - the British lads and lasses are having an awful time of it despite having more spent on them in the last year than the entire Irish team put together. Just proves, money can't buy you medals.
"This is do-or-die, all-or-nothing time," said Nigel Starmer-Smith ahead of the women's game against Korea. "They have to do what you did in your opening game in Atlanta when you beat Korea 5-0," he said to his co-commentator Karen Brown. "Well, um, we actually lost 5-0 in our opening game in Atlanta Nigel, so I hope they don't do that," she whispered. "Oh," said Nigel. "Right." Blush.
