Bluffer's guide to Euro 2008

What is it?We're already in the middle of the 13th edition of the 2008 Uefa European Football Championship, apparently (we keep being told) the third biggest sporting event in the world after the World Cup and the Olympic Games - though we've regularly been told the same thing about the Rugby World Cup, the Ryder Cup, the World Athletics Championship and Kilkenny v Offaly hurling games.

RTÉ are showing 31 Euro 2008 matches live (though, they must have forgot to mention it to the GAA when they were bidding for the hurling and football championship rights).

So where are we now?The second round of group matches start tonight, with the co-hosts Switzerland meeting Turkey in what is basically a must-win for both. It's looking likely that neither of the co-hosts will make it to the quarter-finals, which begin tomorrow week.

Earlier this year 10,000 Austrian soccer fans signed a petition calling for their team to pull out of Euro 2008 for fear of embarrassing themselves at the tournament, and they must have felt their fears were justified three minutes into their opening game, against Croatia, when they were 1-0 down. Still, they held their own for the rest of that game and Austria now meet Poland tomorrow night.

So what do I need to know?Helpfully, a phrase book is being handed out in Vienna at the moment, which contains all the essential phrases fans coming to Austria for the tournament need to know.

According to the book those necessary sentences include: "Fia mi bitte no a Soizguakn." Which means, "another gherkin for me, please".

And also:"Ham Se an Kaiserschmoan mit Zwetschknroesta?" Which is, "do you have a sliced sugared pancake with plum compote?"

And Irish involvement?Greece showed in 2004 that any nation can win the European Championships. Not everyone can actually qualify, though. But there's no representation from off the coast of western European. No Republic of Ireland. No Northern Ireland. No Scotland. No England. No Wales. It's like Eurovision for soccer. Except, of course, there's no one else to blame but ourselves for not qualifying for the finals.

Back in 2002, a joint Ireland-Scotland bid to host Euro 2008 was unsuccessful - little did we realise at the time that also lost was both countries' chances of actually playing in the finals.

That's why we're cheering for Austria.