TV VIEW:WELL, THAT was a rather controversial week, the red-card-producing men-in-the-middle Alain Rolland and Eduardo Gonzalez, in particular, proving to be less than popular from the valleys of Wales to the mountains of Armenia.
Rolland, of course, turned Wales’ world upside down – a bit like Sam Warburton did to Vincent Clerc – when he sent off the Welsh captain, while Gonzalez did the same to Armenia when he red-carded their goalie having appeared to miss a handball by Simon Cox.
“Did Cox handle it as it came down?” asked Darragh Moloney.
“I don’t care,” replied Ronnie Whelan.
We’re still waiting to see if the FAI will offer Armenia a replay – and you’d imagine we’ll be waiting a while – or if Armenia seek to be the ninth team in the play-offs, but for now, at least, we’re in there against Estonia.
The draw, which Eurosport was kind enough to show us live, possibly because there was no Nordic extreme indoor blindfolded tobogganing to air at that hour, was made in Krakow on Thursday and starred the stuff of every Scrabble player’s dreams, Zbigniew Boniek. Although, it should be said, last time we put Zbigniew on a treble we were told Polish footballing legends didn’t count. And this after they allowed themselves ‘Given’, ‘Duffer’ and ‘Hunt’. Racist, we said, and with that the game was abandoned.
Zbigniew, not looking a day over 55, which, coincidentally, is what he is, pulled Estonia out of the hat, so to speak, the camera then picking out FAI supremo John Delaney who had the look of a man who’d just won the EuroMillions. We’ll see, although if we could make it to Euro 2012 it would, needless to say, be a lovely distraction from real life stuff. Except, of course, if we were drawn in a group with Greece, Portugal and Italy – the Group of Debt as last week’s wags dubbed it. If we don’t make it, and maybe even if we do, there’s a chance we’ll be looking for a new manager.
Tony Cascarino could, possibly, be our man – judging by his performance to date on Celebrity Bainisteoir.
Granted, it’s a different footballing code to the one Giovanni Trapattoni is currently working in, but Cas demonstrated a remarkable ability, after early teething problems, to adapt from football to “Gaw”, which made you think this fella is capable of anything.
Appointed manager of Killeshin, or “Killy-sheen” as he dubbed them, his opponent in the quarter-final was none other than Gillian Quinn, Ballyporeen boss and the beloved of Niall. “I played second fiddle to Quinnie my whole career, I need to get revenge,” he said.
“Have you done any research in to the game?” his mentor Ciarán Whelan asked him.
“Um, I’m just starting to,” said Cas, who told us: “I know they kick it and can only kick it so many times before they bounce it.” Sorted.
Asked to elaborate on his knowledge of Gaelic football, and reveal his tactical approach to the game, he declared that “there’s two goals, a little goal and a big goal, so why don’t we just try to get three points all the time in the little goal?” Be honest, it’s a question you’ve often asked yourself, especially after your county lost 5-0 to 0-14.
In Cas’s first training session he had his players doing keepy-uppies, dribbling the ball in and around cones, working on their “passing skills” (with their feet, that is) and running around the pitch holding hands.
“Show me how you pass in Gaw,” he asked one of the players, who promptly handpassed him the ball. “Ah, okay, now I know where we’re going on that one,” he said, a flashing lightbulb appearing over his head. “Can you head the ball in Gaelic?” he asked, the light dimming. “Can you score with a header?” The players broke it to him gently, but he ploughed on. “At one stage he wanted us to header the ball – that doesn’t go down well around here, we’re not used to that stuff at all,” said one of his charges.
Time for a practice match. “Goooooooal,” roared Cas. But he seemed unsure.
“That was in, wasn’t it,” he asked four men sitting on a bench. “It was a point,” they told him. “A point, yeah,” he said.
“He has no knowledge of the GAA game, none at all,” sighed Whelan when he watched a recording of the session, “we have to literally explain the game to him from bottom up.” But Cas came to grips with it all, spectacularly so, inspiring Killeshin to victory over Ballyporeen having bonded with his players during a night out playing poker, stopping just short of presenting them with a Harry Ramsden Challenge.
Cas, then, has staked his claim to be Trap’s heir apparent. Next up: Sligo’s Dromard. For Cas, not Trap. Kind of the Estonia of Celebrity Bainisteoir: dismiss them at your peril. But just put the ball in the little goal and Cas, Trap and the rest of us will be Ole-ing from here to eternity.
