Planet Football: You might remember when Celtic reached the Uefa Cup final back in 2003 their supporters penned this little chant for their Rangers pals: "We'll be in Seville while you're watching The Bill."
A Rangers supporter very kindly returned the compliment last week by sending this ditty to the Scottish Daily Record: "When the Celtic fans all went to Seville, yes it's true we were watching The Bill. But when it's Villarreal we play, they'll all be watching the four-man bobsleigh."
Class.
Quotes of the week
"When I looked down the leg was lying one way and my ankle was pointing towards Hong Kong - so I knew I was in serious trouble."
- Manchester United's Alan Smith. Gulp.
"Maybe people take a shine to me because I've got a nice haircut and I'm good looking."
- Stuart Pearce tries to figure out why he's topping fans' polls on who should be the next England manager.
"He scored twice in 22 games. I said he needed to work on other parts of his game, because if you're only going to be a goalscorer then you have to score goals."
- West Brom manager Bryan Robson hinting that he's not missing Robert Earnshaw (now at Norwich) a great deal.
"I must admit I find it harder to get up in the morning. It could be because I'm getting older, you start putting on weight and getting lumps and bumps in places you didn't have them when you were 20. You start getting a few aches and pains."
- David Beckham, struggling to cope with old age (he's, eh, 30).
"You know the Dutch, they're always a little bit funny - some of them."
- Franz Beckenbauer, on being told a firm is selling Nazi helmets to World Cup-bound Dutch supporters.
Making the most of Wembley delay
We were aghast at allegations made by the Sun last week about builders at the new Wembley Stadium earning a tidy sum betting against it being ready for the FA Cup final. Surely not?
Well, we began to wonder when we read this quote from a Wembley electrician in the Guardian: "We couldn't believe our luck. We got jammed in the (bookmaker's) door in the rush to place bets. And money riding on Wembley not being ready was hardly an incentive to work harder. Most of the bets were smaller, from brickies and fitters taking advantage of a guaranteed cert".
Do we take it, then, that if Wembley was 100 to 1 on not to be ready it'd have been finished six months ago?
Chelsea v Barca - the build-up
"Sometimes you see beautiful people with no brains, but you see ugly people who are intelligent scientists. Our pitch is a little bit like that. From the top it's a disgrace but the ball rolls at normal speed."
- Jose Mourinho, insisting that Barcelona would find the Stamford Bridge pitch, em, beautifully ugly.
"There is one big difference between this year's game and last year's - I'm playing!"
- Lionel Messi predicting he would have a bit of an impact on the game against Chelsea. Cripes, he did too.
"Messi is not a player I am too familiar with but he is left-footed and likes to come inside and is often Barcelona's strongest asset."
- Chelsea full back Asier del Horno - who got to know Messi really rather well on Wednesday.
"Every time I play against Samuel I just seem to come out on top. It could be that he is starting to feel afraid every time he sees me opposite him on a football pitch."
- Chelsea's Didier Drogba on Samuel Eto'o. Blush.
Chelsea v Barca - the aftermath
"Is it even worth going to Barcelona for the second leg? If it is not I will send my B team to the Nou Camp and keep my main players here to concentrate on the Premiership and FA Cup."
- Jose takes defeat on the chin.
"How do you say cheating in Catalan? Barcelona is a cultural city with many great theatres and this boy has learned very well. He's learned play-acting."
- Jose pays tribute to young Messi.
"There are players here who hate Chelsea more than Real Madrid - I never thought I would hear myself say that. I also never thought I would see something worse than the Boca and River Plate rivalry or even Brazil v Argentina - but this is. We would rather play Arsenal, Manchester United or anyone else than be on the pitch with Chelsea."
- And Messi returns the compliment.
"I have seen the player who will inherit my place in Argentine football and his name is Messi."
- Diego Maradona keeps the pressure off Messi.
Domenech has stars in his eyes
Werder Bremen midfielder Johan Micoud was none too impressed with French coach Raymond Domenech when he was left out of the squad announced last week for the friendly against Slovakia. "Everybody clearly sees I am scoring, passing well, assisting goals, and playing good performance after good performance," he said. "Everybody but Domenech. He is stubborn and won't change his picking policy.
"Maybe I am not in the squad because my star sign is Leo, and there are too many in the French team," Micoud added.
We thought this was just silly. True, Domenech is big into astrology, but would he really ignore Micoud because he's a Leo? Daft.
Eh, rewind: "Impulsive Leos tend to try something daft," Domenech said last year.
So maybe Micoud's suspicions are, after all, well founded.
(As for Scorpions? Domenech doesn't like more than one in his squad because they "always end up killing each other". 'Tis not the same way we all go).
More quotes of the week
"If Arsenal can do that to us in the Bernabeu, imagine what they could do to us in London."
- Real Madrid goalkeeper Iker Casillas, a touch nervous about the return leg at Highbury.
"The images in your mind when you think of great captains of this club are of people who were successful and won trophies, like Bryan Robson and Steve Bruce."
- Yoo hoo, Gary Neville, aren't you forgetting someone?
"It reflects the astronomical interest in Wigan Athletic. We have had everyone from Al-Jazeera to movie-makers wanting to film us. Ten years ago we struggled to get a local reporter covering us and now we are batting away Steven Spielberg."
- Matt McCann, head of communications at Wigan Athletic, after the club revealed that an American film producer wants to make a movie about them.
"Wayne Rooney came into the England set-up as a 17-year-old. He barely said a word because he was so shy. And, when he did, I couldn't understand it because of his strange accent."
- Sven-Goran Eriksson on his first unfathomable meeting with young Rooney.
"The Liverpool fans certainly let me know what they think of me, but I had no problem with that. I expected the abuse, although I also got half a hamburger and about £4.50."
- Gary Neville again, this time on the gifts showered on him at Anfield.
