Clarkie and Kearnsey give it to Kiwis in the vernacular

TV VIEW:IF YOU'RE Sione Lauaki look away now. Better still, make sure you don't read any newspapers or listen to radio phone-ins for the next couple of weeks. Under no circumstances should you be permitted anywhere near a video of last Saturday's Bledisloe Cup match, especially if it's presided over by the Australian commentary team of Greg Clark, Phil Kearns, Greg Martin and Rod Kafer.

Lauaki went on as a second-half replacement for New Zealand in their 34-19 defeat by Australia in Sydney only to endure a torrid time, making an impact for all the wrong reasons. In one 12-minute spell he concocted four handling errors and then, under no pressure in trying to field a Garryowen, could only watch in horror as the ball careered forward off his chest. He also gave away a penalty.

Pretty much everything that could go wrong for him on a personal level did so, and his mistakes were greeted with a backing track of laughter from the Australian commentators that rose in pitch with every fumble.

The microphone jocks - three are former Wallabies - spend most of their time haranguing the opposition - on occasion each other - with a blend of humour and wit that could probably be filed under "kidult". One key to the tone is that they usually call each other by nicknames.

In one exchange with the former Australian hooker Brendan Cannon on the touchline, the inquiry went out: "Hey, Canno, what's going on down there?"

Kearns is Kearnsey, Kafer is Kaf, Clark is Clarkie and Martin is Marto. Even players find their names abbreviated; Matt Giteau was exhorted, "Thump it, Gits."

Given the popularity of rugby imports from the Southern Hemisphere it might catch on here. Viewers tuning into RTÉ's coverage of the Six Nations might catch references to Wardie, Nuge, Keysie and Hamo.

The Australian commentator may be hugely parochial but there's no denying the entertainment quotient. It should also be pointed out they don't sugar-coat criticism: players and referees get it in the vernacular.

Speaking of criticism, RTÉ's GAA coverage could be in danger of neck strain given the looking-over-shoulders syndrome that has become a recent feature. A number of players have been censured in the days after matches for incidents highlighted by the national broadcaster.

It all seems to have made Michael Lyster and to a lesser extent Pat Spillane a tad defensive when reviewing suspected foul play with sundry pundits. It shouldn't, because nobody in a television studio is responsible for breaches of the rules, and most viewers would prefer strong opinion to anodyne fence-sitting.

Saturday was an opportunity to see how RTÉ and TV3 square up in terms of match coverage. On the strength of the two packages, both have some appeal.

Matt Cooper anchors the TV3 programme in a professional, unfussy way. He has the happy knack of not phrasing his own opinions as questions; he also has the priceless quality of listening to the analyst. It guarantees clarity and a focus on pertinent issues, before, during and after games.

The pundits are paid to offer specialist knowledge and the anchor's responsibility is to draw on those strengths while provoking lively debate.

Colm O'Rourke and Joe Brolly are RTÉ's preferred analysts for the big matches but this column has been impressed with the former Dublin footballer Coman Goggins. It is nice to listen to someone who deals with the specifics rather than generalities.

Goggins gave a very polished performance in offering his thoughts on Saturday's All-Ireland qualifier between Donegal and Monaghan at Ballybofey.

RTÉ also benefit immensely from Darragh Maloney's skills as a commentator. It doesn't matter whether it's soccer or Gaelic games, Maloney excels because he has a good vocabulary, a good voice and an affinity with sport.

He doesn't feel the need to overburden the viewer with trivia as if to prove he's done his homework. He drops background detail in seamlessly and knows instinctively when to defer to a colleague behind the microphone. He's also a better anchor than anyone bar Bill O'Herlihy.

Finally, this column would appreciate it if anyone could explain the exchange that took place between the BBC racing pundit and former jockey Willie Carson and the Formula One supremo Bernie Ecclestone. The former was interviewing the latter in the parade ring last Saturday ahead of the King George Queen Elizabeth Stakes at Ascot, a race in which Ecclestone owned one of the competing horses.

Carson ask Ecclestone if he had finalised "that event" prior to next year's Royal Ascot. Ecclestone asked: "What event?" Carson replied: "You know, that event," before saying he hoped it would not detract from Royal Ascot.

Ecclestone looked understandably perplexed, so much so that he dropped a five-pence piece he had been holding in his hand and then - remember, this is one of the richest men in England - scrambled around to retrieve it.

Answers on the back of a postcard, please.