TV View Mary Hannigan: As ITV midfielder Andy Townsend put it, "South Korea have hearts like dustbin lids". Little wonder, then, that this smitten couch had a Corea Fighting banner draped over its telly ahead of Saturday morning's quarter-final.
By the time it was all over, though, the banner had been replaced by a new one, FIFA? You're having a laugh.
When Kim Tae-young's own goal was disallowed for no apparent reason this couch scratched its chin in a semi-mystified manner. When the plain-as-the-hooter-on-your-face onside Luis Enrique's one-on-one charge towards the South Korean goalie was halted by an offside flag this couch said: "Hmmmm".
Then when Fernando Morientes' golden goal "winner" was ruled out because, well, the ball hadn't crossed the line before Joaquin crossed it, this couch said: "Ah lads!"
And when goalkeeper Lee Woon-jae was allowed to advance to the penalty spot before Joaquin had even struck the decisive ball in the decisive shoot-out this couch said: "Hello? Earth to FIFA's Rules Committee?"
Even from this location you could hear couches the length and breadth of Italy hollering: "See? SEE? Now d'you believe us?" And you really had to reply: "Hmmmm, still not entirely convinced by your conspiracy theory, but we're warming to it."
Jim Beglin, Liam Brady, Jose Camacho and, later that evening, Bryan Robson and Tel Venables vied with each other for the tag of "The Day's Angriest Man". "That's a load of NONSENSE, that's a SHOCKING call," screeched a gobsmacked Beglo of the disallowed Morientes goal, which led us to believe he thought it should have been allowed.
Camacho, as is his wont, got in to a bit of a sweat, while a dispirited Liamo, back in the RTÉ studio, sniffed the air and whiffed a rat. "Diabolical," said Robbo on the Beeb, while Tel's ITV face turned an alarming shade of burgundy. He wasn't happy, we gathered. At all.
This couch should add that it still loves South Korea, its dustbin-lid hearts and the rather invigorating and sumptuous way it plays the game of Association Football, it's just rather baffled by the fact that after "losing", according to the uncomplicated rules of Association Football, in the second round to Italy and in the quarter-finals to Spain, they make the semi-finals. This is unusual.
One does, however, fear for them in tomorrow's semi-final. If Michael Ballack hand-passes the ball to the South Korean net, while Miroslav Klose holds his marker in a headlock on the floor, Marko Rehmer sits on the goalie and Bernd Schneider detains the Korean defence at gunpoint by the corner flag, you get the feeling the goal will be allowed. Surely, after all this fuss, the ref won't have the nerve to disallow it. Will he?
"It's the stuff of schoolboy comics," said the Beeb's Barry Davies after Hong Myung-bo converted South Korea's winning penalty. Cough. "And schoolgirls too," he added. Better. Although, in all fairness, Jackie and Patches rarely listed "scoring the winning penalty in a shoot-out to take your nation in to the World Cup semi-finals" as your average schoolgirl's dream, opting, instead, for "Making the Perfect Pavlova." Myung-bo might be a happy camper but does he know how to get the whites of his eggs stiff enough for a rockin' Pavlova? We digress.
Later that night, on the BBC, Mark Bright interviewed South Korea coach Guus Hiddink about the day's dizzy triumph. The business of practising penalties came up in the conversation. "I had some feeling that my boys would score all five," he said. "Yesterday we practised a lot and I talked, not about how to take them, but about the mental and psychological part of taking penalties. The one little thing (I told them) was 'I want to see conviction'." Back to the studio. And who was sitting on the couch? Big Michael McCarthy. Spooky, eh? But Ray Stubbs opted to spare Big Mick any Big Questions.
"I got a standing ovation coming out of the curry-house the other night," beamed Big Mick about his new-found status as International Football-Managing King. "That's 'cos you paid," said Mark "Lawrenson" Lawro. Big Mick chuckled. A bit.
Earlier that morning Stubbsie had asked, in a nauseatingly fawning kind of way (Note: the views of this couch are the views of this couch and do not represent the views of any other couches), Big Mick about the Beep Beep business. Big Mick was reluctant to respond. Except to say: "Reviled to revered in five easy steps." To which this couch said ...
Moving along. Stubbsie congratulated Big Mick on his magnificent World Cup team-talks and superlative World Cup substitutions. "Buffoon to tactical genius in five easy steps," said Big Mick, nostrils flailing, loving the Beeb ever-more for not asking him about his decision not to select the Premiership's finest right-back, Steve Finnan, for the first game against Cameroon, for persisting with Kevin Kilbane and Ian Harte, for playing the Duffer up front, instead of on the wing where he was infinitely happier and more effective, for his decision to bring on David Connolly instead of Clinton Morrison against Spain, for his decision to regard penalties as a shot in the dark and for ...
Over on ITV they were still discussing Spain's victory over South Korea, the one that resulted in South Korea advancing to the semi-finals. "We need the best linesmen," said Bobby Robson. "With respect, there's no point giving a fantastic match between, say, Spain and Italy, to a linesman who, with respect, comes from Fiji." To which Fiji replied: "Why are you, with respect, bringing us in to it?"
Just time for a quick word of consolation from Bobby for David Seaman: "This country will not blame him - we're not the country we are if we do." Absolutely. Almost as fine a World Cup snippet as the one provided by the Beeb's Garth Crooks. "Nicky, last night you watched Brazil play Belgium," he said to the man he assumed was christened Nicky Butt. Except? The man he was interviewing was Paul Scholes.
