"WE murdered em, we steamrollered em, we flippin' hammered em." David Lloyd's eruption after the drawn Test against Zimbabwe yesterday kept springing back to mind. The only problem was that England were hellbent upon murdering themselves. England's suicidal tendencies in recent years are quite alarming, but the bungling batting display at the start of the second Test at Harare Sports Club ranks alongside the ghastliest of them.
On a slow pitch that demanded patience, application and character, they summoned up nothing of the sort and floundered to 137 for nine in 73 overs before bad light spared further misery.
The one English batsman whose stock is rising is John Crawey, who is unbeaten on 37. Retaining him as low as no six in a powerful batting side might be justifiable, but to do so in a team as fallible as England is plainly illogical.
Having snubbed an immediate Christmas Day pantomime in protest at unfair criticism, England produced a pantomime of their own. Sadly, it failed to raise a single laugh.
Lloyd could offer no explanation, so here is a theory England's conviction that they deserved to win the first Test in Bulawayo, when they finished one run from victory, left them impatient to dominate this Test from the outside.
A side convinced of its superiority against the weakest Test nation in the world was not, prepared to work hard to prove it. It is called feeblemindedness, and England is awash with it. Guy Whittall is not a cricketer to be lightly dismissed. To suggest that would be to make the same mistake as the English batsmen.
He is a combative and curly haired all rounder with a bit of spark, and 22 Test wickets at 38 runs each before yesterday, but for his genial out swing to take four for 12 in 13 overs was clearly a nonsense.
Dave Houghton, Zimbabwe's coach, extolled Whittall as "a partnership breaker" in which case, it is amazing that he took any wickets at all. The partnership that he ended amounted to 26 21, 34 and one, which in terms of getting to know you amounted to little more than a quick exchange of first names.
Whittall became increasingly excited all the same, dashing towards his team mates with an incredulous grin. This was a day designed for Michael Atherton, a yielding pitch that offered England's captain the chance to graft himself back into form with a steadfast innings of self denial.
In one and a half hours he reached 13, hooking a high bounce from Brandes for six over the sprawling Whittall at fine leg and, after a tastefully protracted interval, drawing attention to himself again by square driving Olonga for two.
But Atherton has not looked remotely capable in Zimbabwe of the sort of Herculean efforts that saved the Johannesburg Test a year ago. His rigid drive at Whittall's trifling outswinger fell to Campbell at first slip and set an unwelcome trend for England's entire innings.
At 50 for one, England had held realistic hopes of winning a morning session for the first time; instead they lunched at 63 for three. Knight was slightly unfortunate, leg glancing Olonga's loosener to the wicket keeper, but Stewart prompted less sympathy as he was dropped by Campbell at slip and then drove to cover in Streak's next over.
Thorpe remains out of sorts and when Zimbabwe specifically stationed Decker at shortish square leg, the left hander chipped Streak into his hands. Hussain hung his head in dismay as he edged another Streak outswinger and the wicket keeper, Andy Flower, held the catch in front of first slip.
Streak had, broken England's innings, in eight overs and he remains far from his best.
