ALL IN THE GAME:A soccer miscellany

WHAT IS art? It’s hard to know, really, but it seems not many folk agree with Stephen Bywater’s definition of it. Certainly not his neighbours, anyway. The Derby County goalkeeper insisted the work he, eh, created in his back garden was a “masterpiece” but the couple next door were so offended they called the police.

It’s quite difficult to describe, but the masterpiece features a horse-box and portable loo covered in graffiti, with a blow-up doll, six feet long plastic genitals, a traffic cone and wind chimes decorating the work. The words “Piece, Love and Dave” are sprayed on the horse-box. Asked about “piece”, Bywater vowed to “use a dictionary next time”.

“We were away on holiday when he put it up,” said his 75-year-old neighbour. “Our friends sent us pictures to show us what he had done and my wife didn’t want to come home.”

“Lots of people have a hobby and my current hobby is art,” said Bywater, a bit aggrieved that his talent isn’t being recognised.

His club, unfortunately, was less than impressed by his creation.

“Derby County does not condone and completely disassociates itself with this type of behaviour,” they said, “this is not the type of conduct we expect from one of our employees.”

Bywater finally backed down, covering his pride and joy with a tarpaulin. If it tickles your fancy we have good news: he’s auctioning the work on eBay, the proceeds going to charity.

Before you bid, though, have a word with the neighbours.

Remains of the day: Fans show they are dead serious

FALLING in to the "it probably seemed like a good idea at the time" category is a tale from Argentina where a group of about 60 supporters of El Porvenir dropped in to the club's training ground, accompanied by their pal Javier Suldini. Javier, alas, arrived in a hearse, having died earlier in the week, and was en route to his funeral when his friends decided it would be nice if the El Porvenir players got a chance to pay their respects.

Two problems: (1) El Porvenir are second from bottom of Division C in Argentina, so the form isn't the best and, (2) several of the supporters were, according to coach Gustavo Valentini, a touch inebriated and a tad high. So, when the players gathered to say a prayer Javier was soon forgotten. "They insulted and threatened us, they were screaming at us because we are not producing the results," said Valentini. "It was very difficult because we were at the mercy of God."

"They smashed a 15-year-old youth player in the head and a crazy man on a bike entered and made the players scatter. I saw them arrive, I closed the gate, but five beasts smashed it down," said club secretary Ana Veliz.

By the time the police arrived some of the beasts had raided the dressingrooms, helping themselves to goodies, before heading for the hills. What we failed to establish was whether or not they took Javier with them, but we'd like to think the poor fella's not still at the training ground.

Talking points: Alan not always on top of his game

FORMER Scotland and Ipswich striker Alan Brazil has found himself in warm-ish water on several occasions since becoming a presenter on TalkSport, a drink-driving conviction adding to the suspicion he's not always on top of his game. There is, though, rarely a dull moment. A couple of highlights: "Our talking point this morning is George Best, his liver transplant and the booze culture in football. Don't forget, the best caller wins a crate of John Smith's."

Brazil: "I was sad to hear yesterday about the death of Inspector Morse, TV's John Shaw." Mike Parry: "John Thaw, Alan." Brazil: "Do you know, I've been doing that all morning. John, if you're listening, sorry mate."

And here's a new one for the collection, as heard by the Mirror: Ronnie Irani: "Everybody knows where they were when September 11th happened. Do you, Al?" Alan Brazil: "Oh yeah. I was in Langan's Brasserie and wine bar." Go 'way.

That explains it: Italians have bags of evidence at last

YOU might have read about the unfortunate incident at New York's Kennedy Airport where former international referee Byron Moreno was arrested after bags of heroin were found strapped to his body.

Moreno was less than popular in Italy when curious decisions in their 2002 World Cup finals game against co-hosts South Korea helped them on their way home. "A fat little toy with bulging eyes," La Repubblicacalled him, with La Stampadeclaring "he has the appearance of a depressed cow".

It was good to see, though, there was plenty of sympathy in Italy for Moreno in light of his predicament.

Gianluigi Buffon: "I think he already had the heroin in 2002, but not in his underwear – in his body." Christian Panucci: "He was a disaster then and he has proved it now. He was put in place to eliminate Italy. He is a bandit, he is not a serious person. Look at the images, he was too fat to referee."

Giovanni Trapattoni (Italian coach in 2002): "I saw even before going out onto the pitch against South Korea it wasn't going to go well with the referee. Now maybe Trapattoni's reign on Italy's bench will be read under a different light."

All forgiven, then.

"It was like a husband cheating on his wife, he cares for her but doesn't have the courage to admit to it – he climbed out the window."– Inter Milan owner Massimo Moratti on being dumped by Joe Mourinho, who's in the middle of a fling with Real Madrid.

Barcelona captain Carles Puyol (32) could be in for an exhaustingly long career. A group on Facebook claim he vowed he would carry on playing until he was 40 if they amassed 250,000 fans – they're at 100,000 plus . . . and rising.

Tuning in: Leon does his best to make a real connection with Trapattoni

WORD Of MOUTH

"Matt Jarvis for England? Yes, I heard those chants. It's when they sing 'Mick McCarthy is a big-nosed w***er' that I don't hear the crowd."

– The Wolves supremo, careful about tuning in to the Molineux choir these days.

"Apart from Shay (Given), I couldn't tell you one name of any player on the field. The names never register with me. That's because I'm getting on a bit."

– Jack Charlton on his familiarity with the current Republic of Whatchamacallit line-up.

"I got a phone call and it was Mr Trapattoni. But with my heavy accent, his accent, my Italian and his English we had no idea what we were saying. Luckily, Marco Tardelli was there too, so the manager passed the phone to him and we had a chat."

– Newcastle's Leon Best on his call from Giovanni. What you wouldn't have given to be a fly on that phone-line.

"It isn't easy to play on a potato field."

– Jose Mourinho paying tribute to the Real Madrid groundsman.

"It's clear to me that people cook up some unbelievable stuff for breakfast over here. As for eating baked beans at breakfast time – they can trigger off a violent reaction in anybody who is not used to them.''

– West Ham's Congo international Herita Ilunga having a gas time at breakfast.

Ice cool: Figuring out skating

WACKY career-changes of our time: Remember Ilhan Mansiz? No? Well, he played for Turkey in the 2002 World Cup finals, getting the golden goal against Senegal that put them through to the last four. Now 35, he retired from the game a couple of years ago. What's he up to? Running a pub in Istanbul? No, he's turned to ice skating and is hoping to make it to the 2014 Winter Olympics. Like you do.

Before he took part in Turkey's version of Stars on Icetwo years ago Mansiz wouldn't have known a skate from a stiletto, but he took to it like a duck to a frozen pond, won the competition, and now he's dreaming of the Olympics.

He's currently training with his partner Olga Bestandigova at the German team's camp in the Alps, where coach Alexander Konig is monitoring his progress. "He is very strong and positive," said Konig. "The negative things? Ilhan has to learn figure skating."

And with that we saw a clip of him falling over. There's a bit of work to be done yet, then.

BETFAIR'S website currently features a peculiar little section entitled "20 Footballers Who Look Like Women", the "highlights" the link-ups of Susan Boyle and Guus Hiddink, Dot Cotton and Gary Neville and Blanche fromCoronation Street and Arsene Wenger. Some are convincing enough, others less so, but most striking of all was the pairing of Dutch goalkeeper Denise van Luyn and Aiden McGeady. Separated at birth?