THE UNPROFESSIONALS: GAA as it is most of the time
The crowds are huge, the stadium is huger, everything is live on TV and analysed to the nth degree. And sure aren't the players basically professional?
Yeah, we are at the seriously serious end of the championship. Well, ’tis far from that you were reared. Some of the most common ‘grassroots’ characters never seem to be sighted anywhere near Croke Park, but they’re still worth paying tribute to . . .
The Nets Man
His job, the only one he can be trusted with, is to put up the nets. "Jim, have you the nets?" He eventually produces something that looks like it has come straight off a fishing trawler and starts the impossible task of untangling them. Could well delay the start of the game.
The Hurley Man
He's not a selector but he carries around a sack of hurleys to every match and throws them on the sideline. Some have gone black with mould and are clearly better suited to hunting cattle than playing hurling. All are smaller than 32" or larger than 40", so no one has ever used one, but he keeps them to hand.
Has not added a new hurley to the sack since 1982 because “the feckers won’t use the ones I’ve got”.
The Stand-in Umpire
Selected at random by the referee to stand beside a set of posts. Will wave absolutely everything that the opposition send at the posts wide, no matter how obvious it is that it's a score. Does most of this with a fag in his mouth. Will eventually be sent from the pitch at some point in the second half for roaring abuse at the ref.
The Guy Wearing the Wrong Shorts
He's shite, he's visibly hungover but hey, at least he turned up. If he hadn't the manager would have had to tog out. He'll play, but he doesn't really care, and if you were in any doubt about that, the fluorescent green/pink Bermuda shorts will tell you exactly where you stand.
The Knackered Ref
Clearly out on his feet after 15 minutes. Summons on attention for an injury and immediately grabs the water bottle. "Give us a sup of that there." Will referee the remainder of the game from between the two 65s, and let fights blow themselves out unless they really drag on.
The Character
Aged anywhere between 45 and 75, he stands around with a group of his mates and has all the best lines to throw out, but is never mean about it. "Ah ref, if you let him carry it any longer he'll be overage." If you arrive late you can find him by following the laughter – try doing that in Croke Park.
The Young Fellas Manning the Scoreboard
If the ground actually has a scoreboard, chances are there won't be enough letters to spell out the teams' name and it'll manned by a couple of young scallies who will occasionally throw an extra zero on the home side's goal tally.
Some half-official will be dispatched to give out to them – “Stop yer messing there now lads” – but he knows, and they know, that he is incapable of climbing up there to do anything about. After all, their climbing ability was the sole reason they got the job in the first place.
GUARDED: Facing up to a real issue
Amidst all the furore surrounding the comical failure to send off Limerick's Donal O'Grady for his foul on Richie Power in the first hurling semi-final, another incident from the same game received little attention.
JJ Delaney dragged back Shane Dowling, who had gotten goalside of him, in the first half. If he had grabbed him by the jersey he should have been shown a yellow, but Delaney grabbed Dowling by the facemask. A free in was the only sanction.
As Clare’s Podge Collins well knows, the recently-changed rules mean a straight red should have been shown, but there will be no retrospective punishment. While the stiffer penalty on this foul is a good thing, it’s surprising how many people still think the punishment is harsh, apparently not realising that the rule is there to help decrease the risk of serious neck injuries.
American football, which prides itself on its physicality, introduced a rule prohibiting any one twisting or pulling the facemask back in 1956. That rule initially had sanctions split between deliberate and accidental contact, but as recently as 2008 the NFL ruled that any contact with a facemask, deliberate or not, carried the same sanction.
The NFL recognised they were one serious incident away from a major court case, and the rules are enforced stringently. Hurling needs to do the same.
THEY SAID THAT? Twitter twaddle
Joey Barton @Joey7Barton
Half time switch over to the hurling for me.
Joey Barton @Joey7Barton
These hurling fella don't even wear gloves. Fingers like steel... #somegame
James O'Donoghue @Jamesod7
Luis Suarez will be siiiick, training with no games...he should have just come to the GAA
